"Friends"

"Friends" Chapter 39

JIMMY'S POV

There have only been three times in my life when I have felt something so remarkable and extraordinary that it's not only emotionally consuming, but also body consuming.

The first one was when Nancy read her vows to me on our wedding day.

"You know me better than anyone else in this world and somehow still you manage to love me. You are my best friend and one true love. There is still a part of me today that cannot believe that I'm the one who gets to marry you. I remember once how I told you I did not believe in soul mates. I will never forget your reaction. Shocked and a little hurt that I did not think we were. But as time went by, your love made me believe."

The second one was when I held Winnie for the very first time. It was right after she was born and I was wearing a blue uncomfortable hospital outfit, head to toe. Nancy was in the room with our surrogate and I impatiently waited out in the hallway. When I was finally allowed into the room, Nancy was holding her. I had never seen someone so small yet filled with so much beauty. Nancy handed her to me and I held her small body in my arms. Her cheeks were rosy red and her eyes were shut. Her mouth was small but she was making shapes with her lips. I didn't realize I was crying until one of my tears landed on her forehead. I just couldn't take it all at once... I was so happy.

The third one was the walk home after Valerie broke my heart.

It was the morning after her and I got into the fight and I still felt numb. I decided to stay the night at my apartment. I didn't feel like being around anybody. I texted Justin and told him that I just needed some space and he said he understood.

I didn't get any sleep last night. I stayed up and replayed the entire night over and over again in my head. I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know what to do with myself. I knew I couldn't be alone, so I called the one person who has been with me through a lot.

Tina arrived at my house around seven in the morning and dropped P and Alice at school right before. I explained everything that happened to her and now here we are, sitting in complete silence. The only noise I hear is the sound of me sniffling, I just couldn't stop crying.

She ran her fingers through her hair and shook her head. I watched her from across my dinner table as she gathered her thoughts.

"Jimmy, I know that you are really upset about this whole thing and that you want me to tell you that she was out of line and such, but I can't. I told you not to do this..."

I wiped my cheeks and looked at her in shock. "Listen, you have to look at it from her point of view, okay?" She scooted her chair closer to the table and set her elbow on it.

"What the hell are you talking about?" My voice cracked.

"This is what I'm talking about, Jimmy. I am going to be frank with you, okay? She is married, period! You even said it yourself, she is happy and she loves the guy she is with. I know you two have a long history but you can't just kiss her and think that she will be yours, okay?"

"Fine. Whatever... I just don't understand the part where she said that it will never be different and that I jerked her around... I don't get it..." I wiped my nose with a tissue.

"Well, since I know you guys' history, I can understand where she's coming from."

"Then PLEASE! Do explain!" I threw my tissue onto the table and she looked at it in disgust.

"Let me refresh your memory, Jimmy." I could tell she was getting impatient with me. "You guys were friends, you dated, her dad died, you left her alone to deal with that... you were an asshole and you broke her heart, you guys broke up, you went back to LA and THEN you met Nancy, somewhere in between all of that, you guys made up and she realized that she was still in love with you. After you came back from LA she was going to tell you that she loved you and that's when you told her you met someone else... THEN you tried to be friends with her and it just didn't work. Finally, she was about to marry Gio but on their wedding day she almost changed her mind.. because she was still in love with you... Then after all this time, you tell her TEN YEARS LATER that you still love her. If that isn't jerking around, then I don't know what the hell is..." She rubbed her eyes and took a sip of the coffee I gave her earlier.

"She almost didn't marry Gio?"

"Woow, Jimmy... That's all you got from that?" She let out a sarcastic chuckle and I looked at her seriously. "Yeah... Jimmy. I saw you right before the wedding and when I told you, you had this look on your face... I have seen that look on Valerie so many times before... You looked heartbroken when you found out she was getting married. So, I told her when I arrived at the wedding. I didn't feel that she was truly happy with Gio so I told her that she didn't have to do it... She almost walked out of that chapel, single... But she did it, and I think she's happy." She set the coffee cup down and I fiddled with my fingers.

"What do you mean you 'think she's happy'?"

"I-" She looked around the room and rolled her eyes. "Okay, have you ever seen Friends? You know, the TV show?" I nodded my head. "Well, you know how Phoebe always said that Rachel and Ross were each other's lobsters?"

Where was she going with this?

I smiled a little bit for the first time this morning and continued to nod my head. "Well, that is you two. You guys are each other's lobsters. I know it's a weird metaphor but its true..."

"Hmm.. I'm her lobster, huh?" I let out a chuckle and she hit my arm.

"But really, Jimmy... Think about it. You have fucked up a lot."

"Yeah, I have... But it's different this time!" I raised my voice a little bit louder.

"Then tell me, what the hell is so different about it this time?" She threw her hands up and her voice got louder too.

"I FUCKING LOVE HER, OKAY?" I stood up and the chair behind me flew backwards. "I fucked up, I know I did but this time I feel different about everything. I am not some geeky, insecure twenty-year old anymore! I am forty-three and I have had my fair share of heartache. I know what it feels like to be on top of the world and I know what it feels like to be in the fucking pit of hell... My life was total shit before I saw her. All the love songs I heard and all the romantic shit that I read was all suddenly about her... She is it. I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life... And when she told her to forget her name... How the hell can I even do that? Her name is the only name I ever want to know. Her voice that drives me fucking crazy half the time, is the only voice I want to hear! I don't know what to fucking do!!!" I slammed my hands on the table and she jumped back.

"Jimmy, calm down..."

"No! I am not going to calm down!!!" I hit the table again and I could feel my entire body shake. Tina stood up and walked over to me. She set her hand gently on my bicep.

"I knew you still loved her..." A small smile spread across her face and I ran my shaky hand through my hair. "You need to tell her all of that."

I could feel my heartbeat slow down from the rapid speed it had just reached and I took a deep breath.

"But how? How the hell am I going to tell her all of that when she told me to forget her name? She doesn't want anything to do with me."

"Jimmy... Look at me." She turned my face to where I was looking down into her eyes. "There will be a time... I am not sure when that will be, but that time will come and you can tell her everything you just told me. Right now, you need to give her a little space. I know that's the exact opposite of what you want to do, but it's what's necessary."

"But I did... I basically told her all of that. And she still didn't want me..." I could feel tears form in my eyes. "I poured my heart out to her.... and I still wasn't enough. I'm not good enough." A single tear fell down my cheek and she brought her hand up and wiped it away.

"You. are. good. enough. You just need to give her time, okay?"

I nodded my head and let more tears fall. "I know that you could make her happier than Gio ever could... I know I shouldn't be saying this... God... I hope I don't go to hell... But I know that you can get her back. And you know that I am not okay with you ruining her marriage, but it's true." She pointed her skinny finger in my face. "You can get her back. Did you tell her that you loved her?"

Tina continued to wipe the numerous amounts of tears off my face.

"No... I just told her I had feelings for her." I wiped my nose.

"Well, When the time comes, tell her. It will change everything, okay?" She set her hand on my cheek and smiled to me.

"Okay... Thank you, Tina." I wrapped my arms around her and she held onto me so tightly.

"No problem, now..." She pulled away from me and patted my chest. "Pull yourself together and when the timing is right, go get our girl."