No Fairy Tales in Real Life

Feels Like Falling in Love

A/n - I have no idea what Thai people did with the ashes of their deceased. Do they scatter the ashes?, burry it on the ground and build a tomb? or keep in your home and pay respect like Japanese people? Share with me if you have any ideas.

Feels like falling in love (Tae)

I gazed down at the small pewter urn nestled between my palms. Inside held the remains of Jane. I have cried all my tears while she was sick and dying, I simply do not have anymore left. I regretted the time I wasted. The time I should have spent with her. I felt that I neglected her by hiding her from the world. I never knew she was sick. Why she hid this from us all was a mystery to me. The guilt was eating me alive. I should have been a better husband.

I bowed by head and closed my eyes. Forgive me. You deserved to be loved, to be taken care of like a queen. You should have been with a better man. Forgive me for being so unworthy. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up. My eyes are dry. They just hurt from too much strain and sleep deprivation. I peered up with difficulty at Tee’s worried face.

“P’Tae, what are you doing up so late. You haven’t had goodnight’s sleep for days, weeks even.” He sat beside on my bed, the one I used to share with Jane. I rubbed my thumb over the urn. Tee followed my gaze.

“I can’t sleep here.” I said, my voice rough from lack of use. Tee squeezed my shoulder.
“Will you set her on the table.” He pointed Jane's remains. Getting up I did as he asked me to.
“Come with me” He held my hand and I followed. I did all the things he asked me to do these days because I seemed to have lost the ability of thinking for myself. If Tee hadn’t been here Mimi and I would have been lost. He became my rock in this difficult time.

He stopped in front of the room he’d been sleeping. There are too many rooms in this old ancestral house and it used to annoy me. But right now I’m glad of it.
“Come?” He urged and I followed him to bed. He made me sit on it. I’m still in my black pants and white button down. Tee of course had changed into a shorts and a wife beater. He sat beside me folding his hands between his thighs.

“I know you loved her” He spoke staring down at his hands. “I know I can’t make you feel better by saying this.” He looked sideways at me. I gazed at him curiously. “But you have Mimi, you have auntie and you have your friends” he paused. “You have me.” He whispered. “I know I can never fill her space.” He sounded insecure, which was odd with his usual demeanor. “But I’ll try.” He was wringing his hands.

“Hey?” I slipped my hand between his fingers to stop him. He looked up. For the first time in weeks I saw uncertainty in his eyes. He had been so strong and capable. Staying with me all this time and helping us get through this tragedy, only going to Bangkok when he had work. I never thought how hard it must have been for him, with his work, studies and on top of it to have to be there for us too.

I turned him to fully face me. I looked at him and saw how tired his eyes are. Now it’s my turn to snap out of this and take care of this angel. I’ve been wallowing in my own grief and forgotten what’s in front of me. Tee and Mimi are my whole world now. I’m never going to do the same mistake twice. I must forget my past and focus on the future. Let go of the dead and remember the living.

“Tee?” I held his hands in both of mine. “Do you know why I was so sad? Because I never loved her the way a man supposed to love his woman. I thought I was in love when I was in college and then Mimi was conceived. We wanted to keep her, despite of our difficult situation. So we got married. It was the right thing to do at that  time.” I rubbed my thumb over his knuckles. Rough skin in my thumb scraped over his smooth skin.

“The thing is we married for wrong reasons. Maybe it’s the right decision for Mimi’s sake but we were both stuck in a loveless marriage for a long time.” I let out a sigh. “I feel so guilty. She should have been with someone whose capable to love her completely, not half heartedly like me.” I felt Tee’s fingers intertwine with mine. “I think I hardly knew her.” He started playing with my fingers.