staying behind with you | bellarke

chapter 15

''Are you saying...''

''I'm transfusing part of my blood to you.''

''No.'' Bellamy repeatedly shakes his head. ''If you do that you will only get weaker and who knows, die.''

''I know what I'm doing Bellamy.'' Clarke says sternly.

''You don't have your doctor-things here.'' He arguments again.

''I can make new ones. I just need to go to Becca's lab-''

''Doesn't 'transfuse' mean your blood goes to my body while mine gets to yours? That would make you half nightblood. That would make you be the one coughing blood. Do you really think I am going to let you do this? Save my life while putting in risk your own?'' He crosses his arms, with a piercing gaze.

''Stop being stubborn!'' Clarke raises her voice and immediately regrets it, knowing Madi was probably sleeping already. ''I don't have to necessarily receive your blood, I will just transfuse mine. And yes, we will do this Bellamy.'' She crosses her arms as well, rolling her eyes. ''We will do this everyday from now on. That way, I can lose blood without getting too weak. And that way, you can regain strength and be a full nightblood.'' She pauses for a second. Bellamy's gaze is still penetrating her entire soul, which happens in every eye-to-eye conversation they have. ''Any questions?'' She suddenly asks, looking away.

''Thank you.'' He whispers under his breath. He is forever grateful for her company, for her help, for, essentially, her.

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Clarke can't stop moving. She is either turning, or tossing, or just breathing heavily. She closes her eyes and opens them suddenly. She puts her hand on her hair and plays with it, trying to relax, to forget about her sudden thoughts.

She never had a chance to think about this before because there was always something else occupying her head, but having Bellamy so close to her now, talking with him everyday, seeing him and spending pretty much all her time with him --- it just complicates things, a lot.

When they first met she was aware that they were complete opposites. She was privileged, it doesn't matter how much she hated that term, and he was a unlucky guy who gave his childhood and adolescence up to raise his sister. They would never ever become good friends, they both wanted to lead and everyone knows there is only one crown for one king, they couldn't split it.

But they did. They learnt how to cope with each other and how to put their (many) differences aside. And then they learnt how similar they were, how they wanted only the best for their people, how they both had much knowledge, and how they both just wished their lives on the ground could be easier.

With Finn, it all happened quick. They were young, free, their only concerne was to survive. They had each other -- and didn't that feel good. They relied on each other, they had similar thoughts, they had lust for each other. They wanted to connect in an even more deep level. So Clarke didn't lose her virginity, because she once had a boyfriend on the ark, but it sure felt like it. Finn made her feel like a goofy little fifteen-year-old girl all over again, it felt right, it felt good. But it felt too good and that was, probably, the problem. She started to feel for him things she hadn't felt for anyone before and then Raven showed up. Clarke, looking back, doesn't blame him. He thought he wasn't going to see Raven again and him arriving on Earth meant he would start over and found comfort in Clarke. In her eyes, Finn was a peacemaker and shouldn't have died the way he did.

With Lexa, it also happened relatively quick. Clarke had so many reasons to hate her. Lexa made her kill Finn, Lexa betrayed Clarke and her people, Lexa made Clarke make bad decisions. But Clarke was vulnerable, fragile, she still couldn't understand how her mother was alive since she had been mourning for weeks due to her supposed death. Clarke couldn't cope with Finn's death, she still loved him, he was still the first good thing she found on the ground, she still couldn't cope with Wells death, her bestest best friend, the one who was there for here ever since they wore diapers. Clarke couldn't cope with the deaths and pain she caused to others, so she gave up. She looked at Lexa and couldn't understand, but their sexual tension was so thick someone could cut it with a sword. Clarke knew how much Lexa desired her, and feeling desired, in that very moment, gave her satisfaction. What Lexa and Clarke had wasn't a deep, emotional connection, but it was especial for her and she doesn't think she will ever forget how her sweet lips tasted against Clarke's, how her heart would beat faster than ever everytime Lexa touched her. She would never forget Lexa or forgive herself for her death.

Then she had Niylah, who made her feel alive again. Niylah gave her pleasure, made her occasionally smile and they never had to explain their feelings towards each other. It was casual and it was exactly what Clarke needed -- someone to take her pain away, someone who could make her forget about everything bad.

So Clarke thought about all three of them, she thought about her people and how to keep them safe, how to fight the enemy and how to escape Praimfaya. Clarke didn't have time to think about Bellamy, about his freckles, about the way he crosses his arms and furrows his eyebrows and manages to look adorable while being mad, about their closeness everytime they try to think about strategies against the enemy, about how good he smells and how messy his hair is or how his voice sounds like honey to her ears. She didn't have time to think about all the jokes he made so she could feel better, how he distracted her, how he made her forget bad things and how he protected her, how he trusted her blindly. She didn't have time for that.

But now she has.... and, damn, isn't that horrible. Now that all these thoughts keep her awake at night, now that she constantly thinks about all the moments they had since the beginning until now, this starts to be a problem for her. Now Clarke realizes how her stomach flutters everytime his big beautiful mouth opens to speak, how attractive she finds it whenever he is telling stories to Madi, how he protects the little girl as if she is his daughter.

And the worst part of this is, she can't control how she melts everytime they gaze at each other. Clarke just gets lost in Bellamy's eyes so easily, it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous how much she wants him.

But she will never admit it to him, or to anyone, but herself.

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a hugeeee chapter for y'all. hope you enjoyed it <3