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〖 chapter two ⋆night whispers 〗
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His thoughts were never nice and he didn't like them. They were truly unkind and so loud in his head, demanding to be heard and demanding to hurt him. He hated them, resented them so much yet still found himself listening to them and agreeing with them, going through his life with the thoughts to guide him. He hated that more because he knew they held so harsh words about him, about who he wanted to be – who he was – and he hated it. But he couldn't shut them up, they took over his whole being and there was nothing left.
They were worse at night, when there was nothing left to distract him. The days were easier, he went to school and he bickered with his friends. He went the gym sometimes with Clayton after school or went to Patsy's to annoy Tatiana further as she worked and it was easy, it was nice. He was okay as he joked along and didn't let his thoughts go through and twist his insides. But night...at night they were terrible and he hated them. He hated them so much.
He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall before checking his phone again. Nothing new. Again, he sighed and allowed his thoughts to reign over his head. He had nothing to distract himself. Homework was long finished, done while at Patsy's that afternoon and even then he hadn't been much, still in the early stages of school where teachers were beginning to crack down and become hard all over again. He reveled in these times, especially with his new status as a senior.
Maybe next year would be freeing, maybe next year he could be open. In college, away from all that held him back at home – at high school. He pinned a lot college. It would be his chance to getaway, to start somewhere new. He could change his name, he come become Fred or Keith but those were silly names. They meant nothing to him so why would he become them? But he could be free, he could stop playing soccer and pursue something else. He could be something more than a simple jock who girls loved to look at. He could be more than that and the thought thrilled him.
But he pinned so much on college, so many hopes and wishes. So much freedom that he truly wanted but he knew, deep down, college would never be different. While the scenery would change along with his status, the classes would be harder and there'd be many more people while new living arrangements, he would still be the same person. He wouldn't change and the fears wouldn't either. They would still be there, the prominent factor in his life.
He would always be the same, he would always be the way he's been. College wouldn't change that and neither would checking his phone, waiting for him to arrive.
He did it anyway. It was easier to push his hopes aside, plan them out for the future and wait. Keep saying soon and lying to himself and everyone else. That...it was so much easier. He liked easy, easy was safe and protected him. Hard was unthinkable.
