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〖 chapter sixteen ⋆the shameless nod 〗
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"I'M GAY."
He looked in the mirror. It was just himself. No, not himself. He was never just himself. Like Nora Helmer, the mask was always present on his face; he was a doll for his family to manipulate, his father to mold into whoever he wanted. The perfect child; straight, Columbia bound, lawyer bond, wife bound, child bound...perfect.
But he looked in the mirror and he saw a fraction of himself. Peter had taken him out, they had a wonderful time together. They looked at the stars, Peter pointed out the constellations that he knew and could see through the foggy sky of New York. They held hands and Peter kissed his cheek.
He blinked.
He smiled so much, he was so happy. The mask disappeared, but another took its place and he knew that. He molded himself for Peter to try and be who the boy wanted, he was trying so hard. Icarus took the place of the Golden Boy, but now the first was back. He was seeing himself in the mirror and guilt was overtaking his features, because it was so wrong.
He ran his fingers over his lips.
Everything was wrong. Peter kissing him was wrong, him kissing back was wrong. Him liking it was wrong, initiating it was wrong. Holding his hand was wrong. Him wanting to do it again and have that night never end was wrong. He wanted more, more, more – and that was wrong.
He gripped the sink.
Even though it felt so right. Letting go, placing on another mask, forgetting about his father and school and how he only had one more year of high school left. All he had to do was get through one more year at home and then he would be gone. Peter's callused fingers holding his own and his laugh that gave life to him. It didn't feel wrong in the moment, it felt righter than anything he had ever done in his life.
He opened his mouth.
It could never be right. He thought of his dad, how they used to sit by each other when his family went to church. He thought of the snarl his dad gave whenever the phrase LGBT came up in the news. He thought about his childhood friend who he was always pushed into liking – you have a crush on her, don't ya, buddy? He thought about his friends, thought about Clayton talking about how he could always get him a girl if he wanted.
He tried to speak.
And his mind spiraled. He thought about touching a girl, caressing her features as his hands raked her body. He thought about kissing a girl, marrying a girl, having a child – that didn't feel right either. It made him feel so disgusted even thinking about it, but it didn't feel wrong either. It felt like what needed to happen; what was right in the eyes of everyone else. It was what they wanted.
