17 again.

11

"What the hell you gonna lose?
What's his friendship worth to you?
Can you see him every day
And know that you never took it anywhere?
He might feel the same way"

Cole

It was surprisingly nice. That's really all there is to say. It didn't feel as forced or awkward as I thought it would be, more like I was hanging out with friends, listening to them talk about their problems with being out or not being out, awkward encounters in bathrooms and locker rooms. For the first time in a while I felt like a part of something, like I belonged.

I just needed to confront one thing before she ruined it.

"I'm sorry." We were in the town fall's parking lot, in front of Kim's bike, there weren't many other people around us.

Kim stared up at me in confusion, eyes wide as saucers before she narrowed them into a squint. I expected her to lash out, Kim wasn't exactly the calm type, instead she took in a deep breath then sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"I'm not mad- no that's a lie, I am mad but I understand. That night helped me figure some shit out too, which is why I was there in the first place." I furrowed my brows in confusion, not getting what we did that night that could have possibly helped her understand anything, there wasn't exactly a lot of talking. "I thought you were pathetic and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like you, hopping into bed with boys, hoping one of them will 'cure me' and occasionally slipping up and moaning someone else's name in bed." She paused then added. "You really should tell him, you might be surprised, he might feel the same way."

"Or he might not."

"You never know if you never try." She shrugged. "That's how I met my girlfriend. I was a nervous wreck but if I'd let fear get in my way I'd be sad and single..." She got on her bike, clipping on her helmet as she talked. "...like you." The engine revved to life, emitting a loud purr. "Try it out on someone's whose reaction you're more sure of, like a practice round."

"Now, if you excuse me I have a date tonight." She grinned before pulling down the visor of her helmet. "Play your cards right and you might have one soon too."

And with that she was off, leaving behind a trail of dust and lots of things for me to think about.

🎵🎸🎵

"I'm gay." Getting the words out weren't easy, but I managed to choke them out. My mum looked up from the vegetables she was chopping, brow furrowed as she stared at me from over the counter. I was on the opposite end of the room, stirring a pot of chicken soup.

"Welp, that's fifty bucks gone," She started after a few seconds of silence. "Should've know better than to bet against your grandmother when she's sure of something."

Now that wasn't the reaction I was expecting. I knew she wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but hearing that she and Grandma Patty have already talked about it didn't seem like something that could exist within this realm of possibility.

"Grandma Patty knew?"

"Yep." She went back to cutting vegetables like nothing even happened. "She's got this idea stuck in her head that you're some reincarnated form of my brother, Mathew." She frowned, clearly relieving painful memories. "He was the family musician too, although he played Piano and Sax, not guitar."

"Uncle Mathew was gay?" I'd never met him, he died long before I was even born. "How come I didn't know?"

She shrugged. "It never came up." She sighed, tears started to form in the corners of her eyes, I wasn't sure if they were from onions or dredging up old memories. "Besides, our family doesn't talk about it, he split us in half between those who wanted to stick by him and those who wanted him 'fixed'. There's a reason I haven't talked to my sister in decades, or my Aunt Alisha."

"What happened to him?"

"It was the 1980's Cole, he died the way a lot of gay men died." She dropped her knife on the counter, hands shaking from holding back the tears. "Because the government didn't care, the church didn't care, the rest of our family didn't care and at some point he stopped caring too. He let the world break him, if only he'd waited just a few more days he would've been around to see Ma win the lottery and we could have healed him."

She braced herself against the kitchen counter and slid down to the floor. She drew her knees up against her chest and sobbed. Loud ugly wrenching sounds were pulled out of her as tears ran down her face. I rushed to sit next to her, not sure what to do now. I've never seen my mother cry before, I've never seen her so miserable.

"I don't- I don't w-want you to get hurt, I don't want to loose you like I lost him. I couldn't protect my little brother but I've got another chance with you." She latched on to me and sobbed onto my shoulder, staining my shirt with tears.

"Mum don't worry, I'll be fine. The world's different now."

"Not as much as it should be."