17 again.

21

"He might feel the same way"

Fin

5 days ago

"How did your date with Lacey go?" Cole asks abruptly as I settle in to the passengers seat of his car. He's still calling her Beatrice, mostly to annoy me.

"Ok I guess, we went for burgers and a movie. I didn't really feel much of a... spark with her." I sighed, mouth twisting into a small frown. The whole day had been so... dull. Even Lacey had noticed and by the end we agreed to not go on a second one. "So we're just going to stay friends for now."

"Better luck next time?"

"I think I'm going to take a break from dating." I bit my lip, that date with Lacey hadn't gone well at all. Even she seemed to notice the lack of chemistry. "I need to do some thinking anyway."

It's better for my heart this way anyway.

"About what?"

You, you idiot. Not that I don't do a lot of that already. "Just stuff, you'll find out soon enough."

"That reminds me, there's something I need to tell you."

📚📘📖✒

I'm sitting on Cole's bed again, legs crossed like I'm meditating as he paces across the room. If he does that for any longer he's going to ware a tract in to his floors.

I move closer to him, perching on the edge of his bed.

"Cole." He looks up at me. "You've been pacing the room for the last five minutes, muttering to yourself. What's wron-"

"I'm gay." He blurts out and just like that my world comes crashing down.

"What?!"

"Fin. Are you okay?"

How the fuck can I be? "No, no I'm not. I need some time to think." I'm rushing out the door and down the stairs bed I can even think about what I doing. He runs after me calling I for me to wait, to let him explain.

I don't stop. I just keep running till he gives up and a little after that.

📚📘📖✒

I'm spread out on my bed starfish style, staring up at my ceiling. It's covered in neon glow in the dark stars that Cole and I stuck up when we were kids.

Cole. I groan and roll over in bed, right on to my stomach. I can't believe it. After all this time I find out he's gay and what do I do? I run, like a goddamned coward. What's wrong with me? Isn't this what I've always wanted?

It doesn't mean he loves me. It doesn't mean I'm the one he might be in love with. So I ran, like a coward, into my room, clutching one of my pillows and trying not to cry.

Knock

"Fin, are you okay?" My mother called from behind my door, her voice apprehensive.

"I'm fine." I feel like I'm broken but I can't tell her that because I can't tell her why. I don't seem to be able to tell her anything lately.

"Oh, okay." A small part of me wishes she'd press on, ask more questions, and not just give up but she left. The rhythmic tap tap tap of her flats resounding through the startlingly quite house.

It probably for the best anyway.

📚📘📖✒

4 days ago

"Fin. Are you listening?" I glance up from the conference table. I was in the middle of a meeting with the rest of my journalism club, trying to pitch some new articles and content for next week.

I looked up at the speaker, Lacey, who had her lips pressed together into a thin line. "Sorry, I must have spaced out." I shook my head like I was trying to shake of all my distracting thoughts. "What did you say?"

"I asked if you've finished picking out the student submitted poems and short stories to feature for next week's paper?"

"Yes, and I've managed to actually find something usable." To many teenagers thought they were the next Shakespeare when they could barely string together a coherent sentence. I used to think my writing was impeccable too when I started out, now anytime I read my old works I can't help but cringe.

"Good." She nods dismissively then moves on to someone else, quickly leaving me to sink back into my thoughts.