17 again.

16

15 days ago

Fin

Cole Winters is acting like an insufferable little shit and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

That's the part that pissed me of the most. He's hurting and I can't help him. Something's wrong and the melodramatic twat refuses to tell me why.

Instead he tells me to leave him be so I do, taking my pizza with me of course, because I'm worried about the things I'll say if I stay.

Now I'm home after calling my sister to pick me up, and tuning out her whining about having to pick me up and how much 'I owe her'.

Alone in my bed I have too much time to think, and too few distractions. Homework's done and so are all my chores. There's nothing to stop me from thinking and nothing to stop me realising that I really, really miss him.

Why did he have to do this to me? Why did I have to do this to myself? I try so hard to ignore my feelings, so hard to ignore my heart.

Sometimes I wish I didn't love him.

But I do and I'm stuck like this, stuck in purgatory, till I can move on.

There's only one question going through my mind as I drift of to sleep, the same one I've been thinking for a while.

But when will I?

📚📘📖✒

13 days ago

It's Monday and I'm waiting outside school like a love sick idiot, ready to apologise even though I know I've done nothing wrong.

I run towards the car the moment I see him walking towards it, calling out to him. He stops suddenly and looks up at me, letting me catch up.

"Thanks for waiting." I managed to wheeze out. The coach was right, I really need to work on my stamina. "I want to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pestered you." I began once I'd caught my breath then went on. "I was just worried. I want you to know that whatever happened, whenever you want to talk about it, I'm all ears." I looked up at him, waiting for his reaction. Was he still mad at me for something so trivial?

"Don't be sorry. I'm sorry I was acting like an ass. You were just doing what friends do. I shouldn't have yelled at you." He sighed, running his hands through his curls. "Want a ride?"

For a moment the only thing in my mind is a barrage of dirty thoughts before I can think to say: "Sure. Thanks." I grinned and he sent me a small smile back. I wished Cole smiled more, he's beautiful when he does. He's got a dimple in his left cheek that dips in whenever he does and his dark brown eyes brighten up like Christmas lights.

I shake myself out of my daze after I realised I'd been staring and walk over to the passengers seat. Even as the car drives of and we start talking I still feel dazed, like I'm looking at the world through a glittery haze.

I really did have it bad.

📚📘📖✒

"Amen." I open my eyes after my father says grace and dig into my food. Dinner delicious, of course, because my mum's a much better cook than I am.

I snickered, remembering the pancake disaster from Saturday. I can't believe I thought that was a good idea. I didn't even know what went into pancakes. There's butter in there, right?

"What are you laughing at honey?" My mother asked as she dug into her meal. I didn't look much like her. Aside from the blonde hair, freckles and easily sunburned skin we didn't have much in common.

"Nothing important."

"Oh, OK." She accepts because she's apparently never met a teenager before. "We're throwing a little get together for your sister three weeks from now, on Saturday. Bring that friend of yours. Cole right?"

I've know him for twelve years and she still can't get his name right most of the time. I nod, not commenting on this.

That's where the conversation ended. We weren't very close, we've never been, and it's gotten worse lately. I've gotten more distant, because I know what's coming. In a few years they're not going to want anything to do with me.

And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

📚📘📖✒

I crash into bed, completely exhausted. I know I'm going to have to get up early tomorrow to finish up an article I've been procrastinating on and I'm dreading it. I called Cole before I went to sleep, mostly to hear his voice but also to invite him to Charlotte's party.

He didn't pick up and a little bit of disappointment, no a lot of disappointment, ate up at me. He was probably just busy.

I dozed of, resolved to talk to him about it later. My phone rings barely two minutes later. Cole called me back. I pick up, trying to suppress my stupidly giddy excitement.

"Hey." I greeted trying to suppress a yawn.

"Hi, you called?" There's music in the background and at first I was worried he was off at another party but the music was way too soft and slow. Then I remember, he mentioned he'd been roped into another fancy party yesterday.

He'd dragged me to one of those so he wouldn't be bored before and now I refuse to ever go for another one on principal. I told him it was because they were boring, which they were, but in truth the whole experience had felt to much like a date for my heart to handle.

"Right, I was supposed to call earlier and I forgot." I yawned and he chuckled softly. "My parents are having some get together thing for Charlotte's on a Saturday. Want to come?"

I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't. He wasn't exactly Charlotte's biggest fan. I couldn't really blame him, she wasn't always the most pleasant to hang around. Plus, she seemed to think Cole had some childhood crush on him, which was frankly ridiculous.

Says the boy currently pining over him.

"Sure. What's it for?"

"She got accepted into UCLA."

"They wanted her?" He joked. "I know she gets good grades but I still thought they had standards."

"I'm surprised too. Just glad to get her out of the house finally." She's been taking a break year between high school and university, which mostly consisted of her bumming around the house.

"How long do you think she'll last before they send her back?"

"I'm hoping she lasts a while so she'll stay there."

"One can dream." We both stayed silent for a few moments before bursting into fits of laughter. His laugh was much deeper than mine since his voice had dropped first, a fact he'd never stopped rubbing in my face. I'd like him to rub something else in my fac- gah stop it.

We went back and forth like that for a bit, laughing at each others jokes. Cole was more than just beautiful, he was kind and funny too. The idiot made me feel wanted. I just wished he wanted me the way I wanted him.

"Well bye. I need to get some sleep, I have an early day tomorrow." I yawned again. "Need to finish up a piece I've been procrastinating on." I was reluctant to go but I had to, I have an early day tomorrow. Serves me right for procrastinating.

"All right, see you tomorrow?"

"Definitely." I grinned, imagining a small smile spread across his lips. The thought has me smiling.

I cut of, collapsing into bed almost immediately with a love sick smile.

Yeah, I had it bad but right now I don't have it in me to care.