3 am Thoughts.

Father

My father isn't a good dad.

My mom covers it up everytime he does something or says something by claiming "it's just him." How it's just "who he is."

But everytime I think of something to say I stop. Every single time he speaks to me I answer as shortly, simply as I can. I think over my words multiple times before I say them. Eventually to the point where I don't speak at all.

It started off as when I was explaining my day at school or telling a story, he'd interrupt me, claiming I talk too much. I didn't learn my lesson.

It changed to him saying in an angry voice to "Get to the point!" or even just a flat out "shut up." I realised he never cared about what I had to say. He never really has or will.

So, I started avoiding him. I've been quieter around my whole family. I've been in my room a lot more than I ever have.

These past months have been really difficult.

All I ever get is criticism and being made fun of.

I spent six hours drawing a portrait. It's the best thing I've ever made and I'm fairly proud of it. But all my dad did when I showed him was say, "good job." He didn't even care.

I've had lecture after lecture about doing something with my life and not ending up like certain family members who live off of social security and stay in their homes. My father said that he doesn't want me to become a disappointment like them.

He never cared enough to go to my choir concerts in the past. Every time I sing in front of him he makes fun of me. He told me to stop trying so hard. When I stopped singing he kept pressuring me to do it again so he could point out what I was doing wrong. After having my whole school career be in choir and music where I've been actively involved and trying my best he's critiquing me to the point that I don't sing anymore.

It's rubbed off on my brother also, and now he makes fun of me too.

I can't wear leggings because they are too tight, but I can wear my skinny jeans that are uncomfortable, just as tight, and I don't like to wear daily. My chest area is pointed out constantly. And shorts are something I can't wear around him. I can't even wear comfy shorts around the house!

I'm so tired. I don't feel loved anymore. I can't talk freely or wear what I want to. I'm being constantly judged and criticized and never being complemented. Any perfume I wear stinks as soon as it's noticed or pointed out that I'm wearing it. I can't eat half the things I like because they're "for dad" and doing so is like a sin in my family. Until most of it rots, he doesn't even care it was there.

I know I'm just being a baby about everything. He's just rough on me because he loves me. I need to be more understanding and stop being so soft. 

But I'm so sick of my family.

I'm sick of being constantly beat down by my father or brother who's following in the same exact footsteps.

I just want to give up.