3 am Thoughts.

Feeling

I can't really tell how I'm feeling.

I know if I have a friend over, or see my cat that I am happy, but I just don't... Feel it.

I know when something unexpected happens in a television show or comic, I am shocked or surprised. But again, I don't really feel shocked or surprised.

But, when my cat was going to be taken away from me, I knew, and I felt, sad. I felt broken and upset and I didn't understand. That's a different story for another time though.

I know, and I really hope they don't read this, that everytime a certain someone I know is upset or scared or nervous or depressed, that I feel something. I feel a small ache, a little weight, on my chest. It's not their fault, but I can't help but to feel so saddened and a little bit... Guilty.

I know when I'm having my thoughts and I keep listening to that little voice in my head that I feel a little weight in the center of my chest again.

I don't know why, but I think I only really feel pain.

Sure, I do kinda feel happy sometimes. Like when I do finally get to see my friends. Or whenever something works out in their lives. Even whenever I would see how two people I enjoy being around found happiness in each other.

But that all ended.

They aren't happy anymore, people are starting drama, my friend is going through so much tough shit and I can't be there for them, and I don't think I'm being told anything anymore. I haven't talked to half of my friends. One of my closest ones probably thinks I'm an asshole, which I am. I forgot to tell my first ever friend at my new school happy birthday when I remembered it was her birthday because I was watching YouTube.

And I haven't even stuck to my goals for this summer. They were the whole reason I've cut off most off my communication with most of my friends. I don't deserve any of them. I suck at knowing what to say. Especially now. At least I'd use to babble on and say enough to get their mind off of sad things and try to cheer them up. Now I don't say anything because I'm too afraid I'll say the wrong thing.

Anyways, a small dose of a mini breakdown in 400 words or less. Hope you enjoyed.