Rain | Harry Styles

4.0

'we're just two ghosts swimming in a glass half-empty, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat.'

(two ghosts - harry styles)

-

"You know," he cleared his throat, and I still didn't let my eyes meet his, finding great fascination in the patio floor, "I had about a million and one things I told myself I'd say if I got to see you again."

"So say them," I said a little weakly, anxiously bringing my bottom lip between my forefinger and thumb, as I waited for him to speak again.

"I can't," I tried to ignore the small crack in his voice, "Now you're here, and I can't."

"I've always been here. It's you who wasn't."

"That's not my fault," he argued gently, and I nodded slowly, eyes still fixated on the floor.

"I know," was all I said, chewing on my nail. Silence fell between us, only the sound of rustling leaves in the wind as it picked up, the sky darkening even further as grey clouds drew over our heads, and I let out an inaudible sigh.

"Are you happy?" he asked suddenly, breaking the silence between us as I blew out a breath.

"I don't know," I shifted uncomfortably, and if it were possible, his stare began to burn even further through me, and I knew if I connected our eyes, I'd melt. I wasn't happy, of course I wasn't - but I would never admit that to him, and I'd never say straight-up that I was. H always knew when I was lying through my teeth.

"Does he make you happy?" Harry asked slowly, and I frowned, my eyes immediately darting to his to see him watching me just as closely as before, and so I quickly broke the eye contact.

"Who?" I asked cluelessly, bringing my knees to my chest.

"You know who," he said weakly, and as he spoke all I wanted to do was reach over and wrap my arms around him. But I couldn't. 

"I don't," I said honestly, "Who are you talking about?" He couldn't possibly think I was with somebody.

"That Hemmings guy," he said bitterly, and I immediately felt my chest tighten; he thought I was with Luke. "Please don't deny it, Ana, I just want to know if he makes you happy."

"I'm not with Luke," I shook my head, "I'm not."

Harry blew out a breath, sitting back in his chair, "I'm sorry for not texting, not calling." I turned to look at him, "that's the biggest mistake I've ever made."

"Then why did you make it?" I almost scoffed, "I texted you for days on end - all I needed was some kind of response from you."

"You didn't need me around," his eyes still never left me, "you deserve so, so much better than what I gave you."

"You don't know shit about what I need," I shook my head again, "not shit."

"Ana-"

"I don't blame you for leaving Harry - I never could," I interrupted him, "I played more of a part in that than anyone, and for that I am so sorry. Everyday I wonder why I had to come in and ruin your life, make you leave the damn country, just because I was so selfish with you," I bit my lip, "but leaving me for months is not something you can justify. You could've texted; called - anything was better than silence."

"We broke up," I caught him shake his head now out of the corner of my eye, pushing his long hair out of his face, "I would've only made it worse."

"You couldn't have made it worse," I shook my head, fiddling with the sleeves of my sweater. "It's not your fault you had to go, but that doesn't change the fact that I needed you."