Billie White

Chapter Seventeen

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

My body was warm, but my heart was cold under the comforter. I lay underneath the sheets, staring into the tiny space which I created. The light from a new day shone through them, and I just stared out; my eyes tired from shedding tears. 

My mom had found me on the porch, late at night and demanded to know what had happened. The words had clogged up my throat, and the tears had seeped through my lids, and wet my lashes. I felt the love I still had for Roman burning within me, even though he’d hurt me so badly. I didn’t want my mother to hate him, so I lied. “Roman sat here with me, but I told him to go home. I lay out here, and just wrapped up in the blanket. He wanted to comfort me, but I wouldn’t let him,” I’d said and she just shook her head.

“Alright honey, do you want to go to bed?” she’d asked softly, and ran a loving hand through my hair, which made my heart clench.

“Yes please.”

She’s taken me upstairs in my arms, and we stayed on my bed as I cried silently into her chest. She had no idea, why I was crying, but she comforted me anyway. She knew I was hurting, and that’s all I needed.

Slowly, I peeled the comforter off of myself, and sat in my bed in silence. A yawn escaped my lips, but I acted as if it never happened. My hair was tousled into a mess, and I swallowed hard as I glanced down at my body. Another tear rolled down my cheek, but I furiously wiped it away. I couldn’t let him do this to me. I couldn’t let one cruel joke and one small lie, break me like this.

But it was, slowly it was. And it’s only because, it was from him.

I gingerly climbed out of bed, and eyed myself in the full length mirror. My sides hung slightly, over the black panties which I’d slept in. My thighs blushed, as if they’d been exposed to the sun, and they stayed stuck together; no thigh gap inside. I picked it my soft stomach, and crossed my arms over my chest, but that only made everything bulge. A disgusted scowl came over my face, and I swallowed hard as my fingers dug into the extra fat which hung onto my midsection. My hips and chest were all too wide, and I wished I was just born with a more petite stature. 

I wanted to pick the fat off like a vulture picking at the dead. I wanted to rip it off, and throw it in the trash. It caused me the pain, it was it’s fault and I hated it. I wanted to discard of it. Tap the red “x” and click it away. Give it to someone who needs it, just make sure it was not on me.

But I couldn’t. It always seemed to come back. Stay with me, due to my goddamned figure. And it managed to create a sensitive shell of weak hope and confidence, which could be shattered by a couple of simple words. No matter the subtlety, I’ll figure it out, and it’s break me from the inside out. Destroy the walls I’d tried to hard to build, and show the vulnerability. Show the true Billie White.

A knuckle kissed my door three times, and I spun round as my mom poked her head through the door. “Billie dear, are you alright?” I shook my head, and swallowed hard. My mom rushed over to my side, and enveloped me into a sincere hug. We sat on my bed, as I curled up into her arms; the only arms I’d know for sure, that would always be there for when I fall.

Her fingers draw soft patterns on my bare back, as I let everything out into her chest. She stroked my skin gently, and whispered soft and assuring words into my ears. I tried to eat and digest them, but the devils inside pushed them away. Vomited them back up as tears. “Billie, tell me what’s wrong,” she whispered into my hair, and my fingers gripped onto her sweater.

“Mom,” I croaked, and a flood of tears followed, gurgling in my mouth and muffling my speech. Her grip tightened, as she pulled me in closer and I squeezed my eyes shut.