So, There's an Assassin in My Bed - Kyman (Kyle x Cartman)

eric

[eric's point of view]

stupid family, i hate her — she acts like she knows everything about my life. i am - of course - talking about my mother, or that's what she claims to be.

she kicked me out to make room for her fourteen boyfriends? i'm barely twenty-one and she's already kicking me out. i bang my head the steering wheel of my car. i'm now stuck to live in my car, in a god damn 7/11 car park. great, fúcking amazing.

i mean, i still have a job - but the money sucks. my phone starts vibrating, i grab it out of my jacket pocket

kenny mccormick

answer decline

i sigh in annoyance, but answer it anyway. "kenny?"

"cartman!" i hear the chirpy blondes voice ring through my ears. "hey, so i heard that you got kicked out— ow!"

i hear faint arguing, it's obviously his boyfriend, "hello?" i ask. it goes dead silent for a good couple of seconds before i hear.

"because you and your mother have had a falling out," he pauses. "better?" kenny asks sarcastically.

"much." his boyfriend replies.

"we were wondering because we have a spare bedroom — and we kinda need extra rent money — if you wanted to move in with me and my lovely, beautiful, dearest boyfriend?"

smack!

"ow, fuck, leopold. that fucking hurt, you're so mean to me." i can practically hear the fake sadness in his tone, obviously, butters being the gullible person he is, believes this act.

"aww, ken, i'm sorry."

i rub my temple with my index finger, if i live with them i have to deal with kenny and butters being all flirty and lovey dovey. and if i stay here i'm literally living in a car park.

"alright, i'll move in," i pause. "wait, how the fuck did you know i got kicked out?"

i hear them go silent, then i hear a dial tone. that mother fucking bitch hung up on me.

from kenny mccormick:

2853 oak street, apartment 4. love, kenny xxxxxxxx

sent at 9:48 pm

i roll my eyes, but jab the address into google maps. as soon as i turn the keys in my ignition, my speakers start blaring loud metal music, i wince. ow, fuck, i'm not as angry as i was before, so i turn the music down significantly.

"you have arrived at your destination."

apartment four, the only thing i grab is my phone and keys. i lock my car. god damn this apartment block is big, how the hell is kenny affording this?!

i walk up to the speakers, and hold down the four button, after a few seconds i hear a voice. "who is it?" i hear an oddly low voice.

i hold the button as i speak. "it's me, eric."

they cough, "you've got the wrong apartment, lad."

fuck, shit — god damn asshole siri giving me the wrong mother fucking directions.

suddenly i hear a familiar laugh, "i'm just pulling ya strings, cartman. come up."

i groan in annoyance, i have a strange feeling living here is going to be a bad idea.