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"Is that the early copy of the January issue?" Emma asks when she plops down beside me on the sofa.
"Maybe," I mutter and she quickly snatches it from my hands.
"Hey!"
"Don't read that," she says. "You do not have to revisit the article you wrote when you were with Calum, oblivious to what he was up to. It's only gonna hurt more."
"Did you talk to him?"
"Yes," she says. "He's obviously been crying, his eyes were all puffy. But I kind of went off on him."
"What did you say?"
"I told him he's an asshole." I smile at that; Emma always has my back. "He told me he told you that he loves you."
"It wasn't fair of him to throw it at me just then."
"I know. He was desperate," she tells me. "He did tell me he really means it, and he was disappointed when I showed up instead of you."
"I need to wait to talk to him until I have another perspective of everything. Right now I just want him, so I need to distance myself from him until I can make a rational decision."
"Even though you've never been in a relationship before you're being very mature about this, Scotty."
"Thanks." I lean back with a sigh.
"Wanna talk about it some more?"
"I'm just going over every moment I've had with him," I tell her. "I'm just wondering what was real. Like, does he even like cilantro? It's such a hit or miss thing, you know. Either you hate it or you love it and he risked serving it on our first date."
"Have you written anything about you liking cilantro?"
"No."
"Then I think he likes cilantro."
"I just want this gnawing feeling that I have to go away."
"Well it's New Year's Eve tomorrow, and what could be better than drinking your sorrows away with a bunch of strangers?"
"Calum. Calum would be better."
...
"Scotty." I look up from my desk and see Arden leaning over my cubicle. "Calum is here."
"Tell him I'm not here."
"I did," she tells me. "But he's seen your location on the SnapMap."
"Oh." I bite down on my lip in contemplation. "Do I look like I've been crying for days?"
"Not at all," she says. "I'll wait here so you can talk privately."
"Thanks, Arden." I stand out of my chair and I feel as if the air is knocked out of me as soon as I see him standing there with his hands in his pockets staring down at his shoes. His head shoots up when he hears me closing in, but I make sure to keep a few feet of space between us. "What are you doing here?"
"You forgot your chapstick," he says and he fishes a lip balm tube out of his pocket. I take it from him and let my fingers nervously fiddle with it. "Another subpar excuse to see you."
I draw in a breath and bite down on my lip to try to stop myself from crying as I think of the last time he came by and did the same thing; only this time the circumstances weren't as jolly. "You need to leave."
"Scotty." I avert my eyes to anywhere in the room except for him and I feel the tears welling up to brim my eyes. "Please just talk to me. Please."
"I can't." My voice cracks when I speak. "I can't see you right now, because it hurts, Calum, it hurts so much."
"I'm sorry," he says and I hear his shoes shuffling over the carpet and a moment later his hand is cupping my cheek. I close my eyes and I feel a tear run down my cheek. "I am so sorry. I just want to know how I can fix this, because I want you."
"You should go," I close to whisper.
"But—"
"I'll have Arden call for security."
"Scotty, you can't be serious. Just talk to me."
"I won't talk to you until I can get through seeing you without crying. I need time to clear my head so I can be objective about this."
"Objective? Scotty, we're talking about our feelings here, it's not the time to be objective."
"Calum, just leave," I cry, and I pull my head away from his hand which falls to his side. "I'm trying so hard not to fall apart. So please leave."
"All right," he speaks up and starts to back away from me. "Just for the record, this is not me leaving, this is you pushing me away."
When he turns to walk out the office doors I can't hold back the sobs and the uncontrollable flooding of tears which comes with them. Arden is at my side in a second and she wraps her arms over my shoulders to pull me into a hug and I cry into her shirt.
...
I cried listening to Ghost Of You today but what's new
I also cried all randomly and I was shocked. I was watching Set It Up for like the fifth time since it came out and it's a comedy but I just started crying all of a sudden and it's probably totally unrelated to the movie but omg I'm just super overwhelmed by life right now so much is happening and so much is not happening but hey what's new
