Joey Graceffa

Life isn't always a breeze

Joey's P.O.V

Life has been a rollercoaster ride recently. In such a short period, my entire life has completely altered, and I'm still trying to grasp what has happened, even two years on. I have a freaking daughter for God's sake. And yes, I am so thankful for everything that has happened to me (even the Sawyer situation) as it bought me to this point of my life. But something doesn't feel right. It's strange, I always dreamed about having this amazing life, and now that I have it, I'm not sure if it's what I want.

Look, I know this sounds ridiculous, and I may seem unrealistic, but I've had a lot of time to sit in my thoughts recently. Katie's not been doing well lately, and when she's not attached to me, she wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I know it sounds cruel to be irritated by someone who is only behaving as a result of their mental illness, but there comes the point where I need to consider my mentality and wellbeing.

For the past couple of months, I've been trying to convince her to see a therapist, and boy should you have seen the look on her face when I suggested it to her. Rage encompassed her and triggered an hour-long screaming match, except she was the only one yelling. It's hard to love and care for someone when they only want you there to make them feel better. She's obsessed with the feeling I give her rather than the connection we once had.

I still think therapy is the best choice for her, especially considering Sawyer is getting released on good behaviour in three months time. She keeps saying she's okay and that nothing is wrong all while she's slowly breaking apart.

She needs help but refuses to receive it.

If I'm honest, I think the best thing for me right now is to stay away from her for a while; get some time to focus on my own needs. But I know that it will break her completely. We also have a young child which makes this situation even harder. I don't necessarily want to break up; I only want a break, some time for myself. And look, I know what I'm saying is very selfish and unfair, but sometimes in life, you have to - NEED to - be a little bit selfish.

***

I pick up my phone to see a series of texts from Luke,

12:19 pm -

Hey man, how are you?

12:30pm -

Joey?

12:43 pm -

Okay, so I'm guessing you're busy rn. I was just wondering if you wanted to catch up or something, haven't seen you in a while

1:15pm -

Okay, so either your super busy or just ignoring me haha

2:04 pm -

Seriously Joey, you all good? In the many years I've known you you've never ignored your phone is this long of a time

Shit, I got so lost in my thoughts that time flew right by without me even realising it. I unlock my phone and finally respond to Luke.

Joey: 'Sorry man, yeah I was busy.

Yeah, let's catch up! What were you thinking of doing?'

Luke: 'Finally! Haha. Idk man, whatever. Maybe you could drop by mine, and we could just chill for a bit.'

Joey: 'Yeah, for sure. 3 pm sounds good?'

Luke: 'Sure thing man, see you then.'

I'm happy that Luke asked to catch up with me; I've spent so much time in solitude or with only Katie and Emily. It'll be nice to go out and see my friends for once. I'll have to hope that Katie's not in her clingy mood the time 3 pm rolls around because trying to leave the house when all she wants to do is be near me is most definitely going to start a fight.

As soon as I finish my thought, Katie bursts through the front door holding a crying 2-year-old Emily in her arms. The young child was screaming and flailing her limbs all over the place.

"She really didn't want to leave daycare today." She says as she plonks Emily on the couch and fishes between the cushions for the T.V. remote.

"Typical toddler behaviour," I reply.

"Yeah, I'm starting to understand why people call it the 'terrible twos'." She finds the remote hidden under the throw blanket and pulls up Alvin and the Chipmunks. As soon as Emily saw the brightly coloured, animated chipmunks, her cries quieten and the brief unrest in the household disappears.

"Thank God that worked, I think I would've started crying myself if it didn't." Katie quietly chuckles to me.

"Of course it worked, you are a genius after all." She smiled leaned in for a quick kiss and a warm embrace.

"I really missed you today." She mumbles into my ear, not breaking the embrace.

"I missed you too," I reply. It was true; I do miss Katie when she's gone. We both pull away from the hug and stare at each other for a moment. No matter how bad she can make me feel sometimes, I really do love her, and I have no idea what I'd do without her.

"Get up to much today?"

"No, not really," I hesitate before continuing, "Luke texted, he wants to catch up with me later today." I stare intently at Katie, trying to read her, to catch her reaction.

"Okay, I think it will be good for you guys to see each other for once."

That was way too calm, way to easy to tell her. Or maybe it wasn't. Perhaps I've been over analysing everything Katie does and making assumptions left and right with no evidence behind them. And maybe, just maybe, things weren't as bad as I perceived them to be.

-------------------------------------------------------

Yeah okay, I know, I know. Last time I posted was over a year ago, and I explicitly stated that I'd start updating more often, but well, that didn't happen. But this wasn't as long of a hiatus that last one (that shit was a whole two years) so at least there's that to be thankful for.

I'm going to restate what I said at the end of the last chapter so consider this the tl;dr version: this is 100% fiction, and I want to pick this story back up and hopefully make it better than it was in the beginning.

I feel it's pretty apparent that this isn't a real story considering events are centred around Joey's life in 2012 and 2013. So sorry if you were looking for some Janiel smut or whatever (first of all this is like the 50th chapter if you didn't realise this wasn't about 2018 Joey there's nothing I can do to help you there).

This chapter may also seem to be a bit darker than previous ones; mostly due to the entire beginning segment regarding mental health. But let's be honest, there was the whole murder framed as a suicide thing (I honestly don't even know what going on there), so it's not that much darker/mature. But I am much older than I was five years ago when I first started writing this and I'm assuming the readers did as well. I'm just writing at a more mature level I guess.

I also know that this story doesn't have the same traction it did back in 2013, the last chapter only got 60 reads as opposed to my normal 2000 reads per chapter but whatever. I've become obsessed with finishing things once I've started them, so hopefully this time around I'll update in a more timely manner. (Watch it be another year until I upload again).

- Kaitie