I Am Death

Chapter 7: Guilt Or Hunger

I killed a man.

I lay on the bed in the Smiths' house, thinking.

I'm scared. I'm scared of how I lost control. I'm scared of how Damian, the man you love, was so easily overcome by this dark side of mine. I'm scared of how I don't know if I'm guilty for what I did or hungry for more.

Guilt. I went in there to gain information, as a man in love and came out a man of blood. I loathe the people of Althia for how they take me for a killer because of what my father did. I hate them for it. Yet, wasn't I a killer last night? Keith was no good man. But who am I to decide who gets to live and who doesn't?

Hunger. When I saw the terror in that man's eyes when he saw the wolf mask and the knife pressed against his neck, I felt powerful. His life was at my mercy, I could choose his continued existence or his premature death. That feeling created a sense of power, I felt like I could kill every man who has ever wronged someone if I chose to. They all deserve to die. Aren't I just saving this world from another piece of filth?

I'm scared of how I don't know what part of me these thoughts belong to...

These thoughts rack my brain. They torture me. It's terrifying to feel like you're trapped in your own body. I want to give in.. No, I don't, it only pushes you further away from me.

I can't take this anymore, I need some fresh air. I push myself off the bed with effort. When it feels like the weight of the world's on your shoulders, it's easier to stay in bed.

I walk out to see Smith having bacon and eggs for breakfast at the table. "Ah, Damian, good morning! I was just having my breakfast before going out in the fields. I'm sorry I can't serve you your breakfast right now, Mary is out in the village and for a man who grows all this food, I'm terrible at cooking." he tells me. "It's alright, I'll just have some fruits" I reply picking up an apple from the basket kept on the table. As I take a bite, Peter asks me, "Why, you don't look like you've slept well, my child! Are you comfortable in your bed? Do you need anything else?" as much as I hate it I can't tell him what's in my mind and I speak a white lie instead with a smile on my face that's killing me, "It's nothing, I'm comfortable. It's just a new place and being away from Evelyn..." "Ah, the poor gal. I pray she's fine. But she has always been a brave girl what with defying her tyrannical uncle. But then, love can make you do unprecedented feats eh?" he looks at me as if wanting to ask a question. I don't respond. "I forgot to tell you the last time, and I don't think Evelyn knows this herself, but her late father - bless his soul - drafted a will which was found around a week ago, he left everything he owned, his land, his wealth, his castle - everything to Evelyn. I found out about two days before you came for the fruits and vegetables. I'm sorry, it slipped my mind." I freeze on hearing his words. About a week ago, right around the time Duncan first came after us. I'd forgotten in an important piece of information in my pain, why did Duncan suddenly care about us being together? This fits perfectly. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't give a damn about what becomes of you. He doesn't care about "Nobles shouldn't mix with vermin". But since your father didn't have any male heirs, his possessions would go to the closest male relative, which would be your bastard uncle. However, this will's discovery means that Duncan wants your father's things that are your inheritance which you don't even know about.
"It's no problem, it was an honest mistake." I tell Smith.

I realise just how much of danger you really are in. Duncan could have been torturing you to sign a contract you know nothing about while I'm here crying like a baby about my problems. I can't believe myself! I want to be with you, but I can't. I compose myself.

Suddenly, Mrs. Smith enters the home in a hurry, and calls for Smith "Peter! You won't believe what has happened!"
"Calm down, my love, and tell me what has happened."
"The Captain of the Guard is dead!"
"What?! What are you saying?"
"Yes! I saw his body being taken away by the soldiers, his throat was slit and I almost fainted!"
Peter was still in shock, "I can't believe we got rid of that devil." his expression suddenly changes as if he's just realised something. He takes a quick glance in my direction, a question in his eyes that I can interpret clearly, "Were you involved?"
I don't respond and keep a straight face. Mrs. Smith sees me as if for the first time, and tells me, "Oh, Damian. Wait, I'll get you something to eat!" "Oh no, it's okay, I'm happy with this apple, I'll be in my room." I hold up the apple with just one bite taken to show her that I have indeed eaten and she need not fret over me.

I enter the room and sit down on the bed, with my face in my hands, the memory of the corpse sliding down the wall playing in my head. Look at what I've done! I hear footsteps enter the room, I look up to see its Peter Smith. He doesn't say anything for a few moments. Then, "I still have trouble believing - probably like everyone in this village - that he's dead. He's been a tyrant towards us for so long, most of us just accepted him as a rather very unpleasant part of life." I don't reply. "Did you do it?" he asks me, plain and simple. "Yes" I reply. "Why?" he asks me. I don't have any real answer but I try to reply anyway. "I went in to get information about where Evelyn was held... I saw him abuse a young girl and I saw the revelry he lives in, made possible by the actions of his greed... And I couldn't help it, I lost control."

"So you went in there to get information?"

"Yes, about Evelyn"

"And did you get anything?"

"No..."

"Then, I'll help you. You need to know Duncan's castle if you're going to get her out. My first suggestion would be to seek out the head priest of the nearby church, he's no saint but a sinner and deals with John Duncan III regularly. He may know where Evelyn is held." Peter tells me.

His words astonish me. Here is a man who is willing to put everything he has at risk for me. "Why would you help me? I am a sinner."
"Oh please, my child I've seen plenty of sinners in my years and none of them was a s good as you!" he says with a chuckle. In that moment I realise what a good friend I really have. I always played down Peter's relation with me because I felt that he didn't really care about me and all his goodness was just something he saw as a duty. I always thought that deep down even Peter fears and hates me for who I am. But as I think, I realise he has been risking everything for me for a long time. Everytime he gave me fruits, vegetables or baked goods from Mrs. Smith well aware that I'm not supposed to be here. He gave me a place to stay and now was willing to help me in my mission to be with you. I don't want anything to befall him now that I see his true worth, but what choice do I have?

He tells me, "Meet me in the fields in half an hour, lad, we've got work to do."