Gender Fluid? Pansexual?

Inactive and Suffering

Hey...
I'm sorry I've been so inactive lately. But I've got a lot going on. So I'm gonna rant here.

I'll start from the easier stuff and work up. You don't have to read this. It's stupid.

School is starting back soon, and I'm not ready. I'm terrified, actually. I've become so self conscious of my body that I dread leaving the house and being undressed unless I'm in the dark. I always feel like people are staring. And I know they're not. But just because I know doesn't mean I'm not afraid.

We don't have a car right now. Haven't for 5 weeks now. And it's hard having to rely so much on others. I don't want to burden anybody. We have to have my mom take us to the store, which is hard because she can be a little tough sometimes to be around.

My sister is moving back in with us for a little while. She was living with her boyfriend who's family supposedly beat her. I love my sister, and I want her safe. But I don't want her here. The way she used to treat me was absolutely repulsive and borderline abusive at times. She uses all of my things and I'll have to hide a lot of stuff.

My mom and my Nana (whom I live with, if you aren't aware) are being threatened by my uncle. Threatened as in murder threats. I'm scared to sleep at night. I check the doors so many times each night it's ridiculous. I'm scared to see my Nana leave because I don't know if he'll do something and she'll never come back. I'm scared of losing my mom because then I'd be practically an orphan. It's terrifying to think about.

I'm so depressed that I ache in my chest. I have no motivation to get out of bed. I spend most of my time in the dark of my room. Or having a bath in the dark. I feel so small and the world is too large.

I'm 16 now, and everyone expects me to be growing up. To be getting a job, to be learning to drive. But I'm not ready. I don't want this and I just want things to be like they were a month or so ago. I was so happy. And things plummeted. And now I'm not.

I've been pushed and pushed and so close to the edge and the scissors in my bathroom grow so tempting. My vision is blurred from the tears and I forget what's happening. And then I wish I was gone.

I want to be gone.

I'm sorry that you listened to this. If you read all the way to the end.
You shouldn't have. I shouldn't have written this. But you guys deserved to know why. Where I am. What I've been doing.

You all deserve so much more. So I'll be going. Maybe I'll update again soon. Maybe not for a while. Maybe never again.
I hope that I can get my motivation back and get back on my feet.

Thanks for listening.
Love,
Hannah.