Painting Life

T w e n t y

<< He was the butterfly that sat on my shoulder but then, he flew away >> 

Twenty | Grow Up Once Again

D a n i y a: 

Haris Bin Hashim had left without uttering a single word to me. How much time would it have taken for him to say "goodbye"? But he decided he didn't want to. Because he was a butterfly that sat on my shoulder - the butterfly, that I fell in love with - but then, he flew away without a warning.

Just a whisper in the air. 

He didn't care about me. No matter how much he implied it, he really didn't. Because he had succeeded in making me feel like a failure once again and if he would have cared, he wouldn't have left just like that. 

I didn't understand why people turned directions when they realized they were coming towards me. Are all the novels and quotes - that speak about finding love and friends and about being who you are - bullshit? 

Maybe they were. Because all I had learned from these books were lies. There was no prince charming and no princess. There was no happy ending. The world was not a beautiful kingdom. 

There were just ordinary people and love was a rarity. 

Happy endings hardly existed.

Phantoms of the past always caught up. 

And the world? It was just an empty void. Forget all those six billion people living in it. They didn't matter. Because, despite their presence, I was still feeling lonely.

"Okay," Dad said, interrupting my train of thought. We were both sitting in front of the blank LCD screen, me, musing and my father, reading a book. 

I looked at father inquiringly.

"Remember how I said that I had the perfect idea?" He asked excitedly. 

I nodded. 

"Wanna hear it?" 

"No."

My father actually pouted. Pouted. I let out a laugh because the scene was too ridiculous. Needless to say, grown men looked quite the picture when they pouted. 

"Okay, Dad. Just stop pouting. It looks better on women." 

He scowled. "Sexist. Anyways, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about giving you back your childhood. So, I have decided to make you relive it." 

"Um, what?" 

"One week," My father continued as if I hadn't spoken. "We'll have one week of childhood in which we'll eat cotton candy, have disney marathons and play hide and seek with other ten year olds." 

"Um...I meant the innocence, Daddy," I said, not wanting to disappoint him. "I don't want to play hide and seek. What will people think?" 

"Who gives a damn about what people think, baby girl?" He shot back. "We'll have fun. And you can pretend that your past never happened. You can grow up all over again." 

"I.." I started to say. 

"It'll be fun," He repeated. 

"It's just you, who wants to be a child again, isn't it?" I asked teasingly.

"That's just it," He responded sarcastically though a small smile touched his lips. 

Even though, the idea was ludircous, I couldn't help but feel the excitement bubble inside of me as I awaited the chance to grow up, once again. 

When I told Dad enlightened Mommy of our idea, she thought we were joking. But when we assured her that we were, in fact, not kidding, she just agreed with that look on her face that told me that she thought we were crazy. 

I hated the expression; you know, that slightly mocking smile that radiates off arrogance? That makes you feel that you are lower than that person? Exactly that smile. 

But Dad hardly cared what Mom thought, even though I knew he had caught up to her disapproval too. He told me that he'd take me to McDonalds for lunch today. I didn't know what was so kidsy about it but I agreed because he was the one person in the world whom I trusted blindly.

I was sure that if he jumped in to a well, I'd be right behind him. 

And I had no reason not to. He had been here for me most of the times. That painful period in between, where Dad hadn't noticed? That was about the only time when he had failed to comprehend what I was going through. 

I had forgiven him for it, no matter how much it had hurt at that time. He was a human, after all and humans are flawed beings. Like a beautiful sculpture that had an uneven surface. 

I had come to terms with reality; that we weren't perfect. No one was. Not even Fawn or her blonde friend. 

And so I had come to realize, that if I thought of it that way, then it became so much easier to forgive. And when I forgave, I felt as if I was light enough to soar in the sky and maybe, the reach the cloud that I was aiming for.

But of course, that didn't mean that I could ever forgive Fawn or Remy or all the other people who had bullied me. They had changed me completely and if it weren't for them, I would have been the confident girl, the one who exceeded. 

But instead, I was the timid girl with the low self-esteem. 

I was also the girl who had lost hope, the girl who had stopped trying to paint life her way. But maybe, my father could help me restore my faith. 

It really wasn't my father, though. It was God. After all, he was the one who decided the fate of every single person in the world. 

"Come on," He grabbed my arm and dragged me with him until we were in front of the play area. 

My eyes widened and I shook my head frantically, "No way. No way."

"Don't be a bad sport. You did agree to my idea, baby girl." 

"But I didn't know that I'd have to go in the play area. It's so embarrassing. And weird." 

"You are a child again," Dad said seriously. "You don't care. Go ahead." 

"Come with me," I said, giving in. 

Dad smiled like a little kid, "Sure!" 

I couldn't help but smile back. Taking off my shoes, I walked in the play area, my heart beating fast. I was worried. 

You are a child. You don't care. I told myself. But my heart knew better. I was no child. 

Dad picked up a ball and threw it at me. 

Shut up, heart. I told it. Damn it to hell, I am gonna have fun. 

And so I forgot who was around me and who was looking at me. Everything blurred in to insignifance. All I saw was my father and I and a second chance, looming ahead in the distance.