Painful Happy Dreams and Lonely Walks.

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I opened my eyes, the world sideways. I shut my eyes again, peace enveloping me. I slowly opened my eyes again and picked myself up off the floor. Blood covered the white tile, staining it pink as I wiped it away. I washed my hands, scrubbing the dried blood from under my nails. My wrists stung a little, but I was satisfied. Not happy, but relieved. I picked up the razor. That horribly wonderful piece of metal, and tucked it away in the drawer of the nightstand. I looked at my wrists and sat on the bed.

I ran my finger along the uneven skin, counting the scars. 13... 22... 35... 43. My vision blurred and I fell sideways onto the bed, sobbing once more into my loyal pillow. I heard my door creek open and Kumajirou's voice filled the room. "Hey mister, I'm hungry." I didn't respond. Footsteps padded over to the bedside and the mattress indented. I turned my head to see the curious polar bear, sitting on my bed and rubbing his stomach. "Mister did you hear me?"

I sighed and got up off the bed and went downstairs and into the kitchen to make food. I pulled out all of the things needed to make pancakes and went to work. A few minutes later, I had a stack of pancakes and put some on a plate for Kumajirou and I. I sat down at the table, picking up the syrup bottle and drowning my sorrows in the maple liquid. I ate slowly, thinking if anyone would notice if I disappeared.

No, they wouldn't notice. I'm already non-existant to them anyway. I grabbed another pancake and put it on my plate, drowning it in the already soupy mixture of syrup and pancake crumbs. Why do I even bother living then? They don't care, I don't care. The only reason I'm still around is because of my country. I ate the pancakes that Kumajirou didn't eat and put the plates in the sink. Why bother staying alive then? It's not like they'll notice. You're invisable. Useless. Nobody needs you.

I smacked my head with my hand. "Shut up." I said and sat on the couch. Why? You know it's the truth. Nobody needs you. Your pathetic country will do just fine without your useless corpse. I hugged my legs and rested my head on my knees. Tears began to fall from my eyes and I realized the voices were right. I'm not needed. I'm not loved. Nobody cares about me. Sobs racked my body, finally realizing after hundreds of years that no one noticed me at all. I ran up to my room and changed into my pajama's. I flopped onto my bed under the covers and cried myself to sleep, thinking of ways to end my existance.

I had the same dream that night. The dream that I had a family that cared and friends that noticed me. We all sat in an open field eating a picknic. Francis would laugh at something Alfred said and England would roll his eyes. Feliciano brought pasta and Antonio made pizza. All of the other countries were there and for once, weren't fighting and screaming at eachother. It went on like that for a while. Sitting, talking and eating. Then I was ripped from my dream by my alarm clock. I screamed in frustration and slammed my fist down on it, shattering the snooze button.

I rolled over and started to cry again. Why?! Why do I have to have happy dreams?! "It's not fair!" I screamed at the world. But they never listened. Getting up, I slipped on my hoddie and walked down the stairs, flopping onto the couch and turning on the tv. I stared blankly at the screen for a while, then turned it off. Then I sat on the couch, contemplating whether life was worth living. It's not and you know that for a fact. Do them a favor and off yourself. You're pathetic and useless, you can't do anything that would help someone else other than dying.

"Shut up!" I screamed. No. You're a coward. A stupid child that doesn't know what to do with their life. You don't deserve to live. I got up off the couch and ran up to my room, grabbing my razor and locking myself in the bathroom. "Shut up!" I yelled and ripped the skin of my wrist. Blood poured out of the cut and I sliced more, blood pooling on the ground. "Just leave me alone..." I cried and fell to my knees, blood saturating my clothing. The voices bled out with the blood, my head getting clearer. "I don't want to do this anymore..." I said and fell onto the floor, passing out because of blood loss.

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I woke once more on the tiled floor, evening sun shining through the little window. I teared up and cleaned the blood from the floor. I rinsed my arms and hands and opened the door. I changed out of my bloody clothing and put on a pair of jogging pants and a hoddie. I stared at the celing, wondering when I should do it. It has to be soon. Maybe after the next meeting. I want to see everyone one last time... I looked at the calandar on the wall. The next meeting was tomorrow. I walked down the stairs and to the front door. "I need a walk..." I said and opened the door.

I walked to the childrens park and sat down on a swing and swung slowly. I watched passing familys and teared up. They look so happy together. I sniffled and looked down. I wonder what it's like to be noticed... I got up off the swing when it grew dark. It must be nice to be loved and cared for. I wish I knew what that felt like. On the way to my lonely home, I spotted another family sitting in their living room, watching tv and laughing. I looked away and rushed home, not bothering to change into pajama's and flopped into my bed. Like every other night in my useless life, I cried myself to sleep.

~Awe poor Matthieu. Sorry for making him act and feel like this, but it's all part of my super secret plan! Muhahaha! Anywho... Hope you like and you are lucky getting two chapters because it's like 11:30 at night and my eyes hurt. Hope you liked!

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