The Art of Letting You Go

but i don't love him

"Do you think he really likes me?" I can't help but ask Logan for the third time.

"Yes, I do Avery." He's become more mature since dating Sara. I wonder if he's had his first kiss yet. We're juniors and just now having our first kiss. It may seem pathetic, but I find it bittersweet. I think I'm ready to fall into whatever I'm about to fall into. 

I feel so safe when I'm with Olly. He has scars on his own damn personality. His father's words and physical abuse have shaped him in ways that can't be imagined. He knows what it's like to be hurt, so do I. We're escaping the pain together. Being in his arms, or even his company drains me of all things horrible. We were moving quick, but I've been waiting for him my whole life.

"Here. I'll see you tomorrow morning, Av." Logan smiles and unlocks the car door, pulling me out of my thoughts. Tomorrow morning my mom has an appointment with her therapist, so Logan offered to pick me up.

I climb out of the passenger seat and into the rain, once again. As soon as I open the front door I hear yelling. I walk as quietly as I can.

"You always do this, Eleanor! Always!" My parents stand in the kitchen. My dad is throwing his hands up in the air, with my mom barely hanging on to reality as she grips the kitchen counter.

"You know I can't control it." My mom's voice sounds defeated. I knew she didn't have the energy to fight anymore. 

"Yes, you can! You're a sin, and you're taking our daughter down with you." My dad grabs a hold of the innocent vase whose been witnessing their drawn out arguments for years. 

"I am not. I don't feel like going anymore. I never did. You told me I didn't have to when we got married." My mom eyes the vase, speaking to my dad carefully.

"You aren't the same woman I married! You're poisoned." My dad yells as he throws the vase into the sink, letting it break, along with any respect I had for him. My mom whimpers, the sound and anger scaring her.

"Stop!" I scream, tears watering my eyes. "Stop, stop," I repeat over and over. The words keep leaving my tongue as salty droplets of water dance on my cheeks.

"Av," My dad attempts to walk towards me. I see the look in his black eyes, the feeling of regret, not remorse. 

"Don't call me Av." I say and storm upstairs. The fights always happened. My dad was sometimes sweet, mostly in the morning before work. When he came home was when the demon inside of him unleashed. 

I throw myself onto my bed but I don't cry. I swallow my own gasps for air. Their ending was always inevitable. 

"Avery," I hear a soft voice accompanied by a knock at my bedroom door.

"Come in."

"Sweetie," I feel a hand on my back as the weight of the bed dips to one side. I sit up and wrap my arms around my mom. I squeeze her, as if she were to leave as soon as the comforting stops. She lets out a sigh, resting her head on top of mine and smoothing out my hair. I feel a tear drop onto my arm.

"Leave him," I whisper, hoping she knows I would go with her. 

"I can't sweetie. He's your father." She replies with the same sentence I've heard too many times before.

"But I don't love him." She says nothing, leaving us in silence as we both fall asleep on my bed.

-

"Avery?" My eyelids flutter as I wake. I reach for my mom but find nothing. "Avery." I hear again. I lift myself from the bed and see Logan standing in my doorway. Did I oversleep?

"What time is it?" I half-whisper, half-yell. He looks pitiful as he eyes my state of mind and tired eyes.

"It's only eight." I panic and leave my bed, rushing to the bathroom. I was supposed to leave my house at 7:20.

"Avery, calm down." He gently grabs my arm. I look back at him, confused as to why he was standing still instead of rushing me.

"It's eight at night." He sighs. I hate that he's eyeing me down like this. Why was he acting like this around me? I turn to face him, trying my hardest to read the expression he's giving me. 

"Your mom called me. I don't know where your dad is," He says, leading us over to my bed again.

"Why did she call you?" I blurt out, probably sounding harsher than I wanted to.

"She-" He stops himself. His eyes search the air, thinking of what to say next. He's hiding something from me. "She's worried about you. She has to go to the store but she doesn't want you to be alone." I could tell his words were truthful, but there was something he wasn't letting me know. 

"They're getting a divorce." My heart stops beating, my stomach drops. I gasp. I feel my shoulders lower onto the bed. "Avery," He whispers sympathetically. Instead of yanking me up he lays beside me.

"She listened to me," I say. I didn't think she would. I wanted her to, though, so why am I feeling brokenhearted? I knew this was coming.

"Yes." Is all he managed to get out. My mom told him first. She hadn't even mentioned it to me before leaving. I hope she really was going to the store and not to do something else.

Logan and I stayed in the same position for I don't know how long. He asked me if I was hungry, or if I needed water. I denied both many times before he stopped. I cried into his chest as he held me closer. My mom was right, I couldn't be alone right now. So many thoughts were swirling around my head. 

Who was going to pay for her medicine? She worked at the pharmacy down the street, but my dad was a lawyer. Would she become lonely when I was at school and she had the day off? Should I even go out anymore if it means leaving her alone? What about college? I couldn't leave her, not now, not in a year. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to it. 

Before I knew it Logan had fell asleep, I soon followed.