The Art of Letting You Go

the carnival

We sat at the very top of the ferris wheel, breathing in the sweet scent of cotton candy and funnel cake. I look to my right. Olly's sharp features are defined by the sun setting beside him. I let out a breath of air. I knew he was right for me, somehow. 

Everything has happened so fast, but everything happens for a reason. I've never felt this way, in all the seventeen years of my life. I've felt pain, heartbreak, and loneliness. This is new, it's refreshing and safe. I didn't expect anything of him. Being near him was enough.

I wonder if he feels the same way. I wonder if he's admired me like I'm admiring him. The thought sends a giggle through my lips.

"What are you laughing about?" He smiles, taking my hand in his.

"You," I say, leaning into him. There was no barrier between us, making it easy for us to cuddle. How is it I've known this boy for a couple of months yet trust him with my whole life? He kisses the top of my head as we circle the ride one more time.

"You hungry?" Olly asks, grasping my wrists as I get down from the ride. "Yeah, a little." I reply. 

"Do you eat meat?" 

"No, I don't. Thank you for asking." I grin like an idiot. Everyone assumes I eat meat. Wherever I go there's always meat. And for some reason the only family events I get invited to are barbecue's, where no one has even bothered to put out a salad or single pieces of bread.

"It's okay, they have fried cheese curds." He laughs, and I'm not sure why.

"Is that a thing?" I lean further into him, his hand still in mine.

"Yes. They're very...cheesy."

"Two servings of fried cheese curds please." Olly chuckles with me as he places our order. The guy managing the food truck looks back at me before writing our food down. Olly's mood shifts.

"Anytime before sun down..." He mutters and I swat his arm, giving him a surprised look.

"Don't be rude." My voice rises when I say rude. He laughs.

Our food is placed ahead of us, the guy managing winks at me. Olly clears his throat before handing the guy five dollars. 

"Three more bucks, man." The guy raises his low eyelids. Olly turns around with a huff.

"Flirting isn't a part of the service." Olly spits and pulls me along with him. I had never seen this side of Olly before, it shocked me.

"What was that about?" I ask as we take a seat at some picnic table. "He was flirting with you,' He says, bringing a cheese ball to his mouth. I watch as he takes a bite instead of shoving the whole thing into his mouth. I would scold him about his jealousy, but I kind of liked it. No one's ever been jealous for me before.

"Maybe instead of me driving you home, we could catch a movie?" Olly suggests as I take our plates to the nearest trash can.

"It's getting pretty late. I don't want my dad asking any questions." I say, fixing my messy excuse of a ponytail. Olly watched my every move, infatuated by my concentration on a simple task.

"Yeah, that's okay. I should probably get back home too."

"I had a really nice time, Olly." I walk closer to him, seeing the discomfort in his eyes. My arms meet around his waist, pulling him to me.

"Me too, Avery." He kisses the top of my head. I feel his jaw move, as if he was about to say something. I move to turn around and lead the way to the car, but Olly quickly pulls me back.

"Uhm, let's just stay here for a minute." He says as I look up at him. He catches me staring and takes his gaze away from something. "Okay," He says, letting me go.

-

"Do you think your parents would like me?" His question catches me off guard. I've been looking out the window for the whole drive back, softly humming to the CD he had playing. The way he held me at the carnival didn't feel right. Something was off with him, but I wasn't going to ruin out first date over it. 

"My mom would." I didn't mention my dad, hoping he wouldn't bring the topic up. I felt guilty, letting him open up about his dad but not telling him about mine. If I brought up my dad I would have to explain my mom's situation and that wasn't my right to do.

"Maybe I could meet her one day." My heart flutters as my eyes meet his.

"Yeah, she'd like that. I would too." I say as I lean over the console to meet my lips with his. I felt our emotional baggage melt into each other. I felt as though everything I could be depended on him. Our lips fit like two puzzle pieces, giving me the confidence to kiss deeper. His fingers were tangled in my hair, mine on his chin. 

The air in the car started to shift into a mood I wasn't comfortable with. I wasn't ready for sex, I never really obsessed over it like the girls in my grade. I knew I had immense feelings for Olly, but giving that part of me to him wasn't what I wanted to do yet. 

I pull away, a gasp leaving his lips. I looked down. Oh god. He shifts uncomfortably, and I decide to open the car door so he doesn't feel embarrassed. This was natural. I guess.

"Bye Olly." I saw awkwardly.

"I'll call you." He says and looks down. I felt shameful. What my dad do to him if he found out about this? What would he do to me? 

I shut the door and walk up the driveway. I smile, I've never had that effect on someone before. I shake my head and begin to laugh. How awkward.

"Mom?" I say as I open the back door.

"Sweetie!" I'm glad she's feeling good today. I had so much to tell her. 

"Mom, can we talk?" I say, giving her a smile. "Of course." She sits on the couch my father had scattered blankets over. I wonder where he is.

"I had my first kiss with my first boyfriend and I just went on my first date." She holds my hands in hers, probably expecting bad news. Instead she squeals and hugs me. 

"Oh sweetie, how wonderful! Tell me more." She insists, bouncing on the couch. I tell her his name, and how blue his eyes are. I told her about him taking me to the carnival, and meeting me at the coffee house. I mentioned him dropping his phone because I bumped into him, and the inside jokes we had. I even told her about his father.

"Your first love, Av." My mom's voice goes soft, realization lacing her sentence. "I'm so proud of you." I laugh and hug her. When I pull away she tucks a strand of hair behind my ears.

"He better treat you well." She said, more serious than before.