The Art of Letting You Go

you, again

6:03 AM.

Damn. I wish I could just sleep all day, despite the fact I always have to be doing something productive. 

I struggle to find the motivation for getting up and putting makeup on, but I have an hour and twenty minutes until I have to leave the house. I groan and make my way to the kitchen for a desperately needed coffee. 

I stroll like a zombie back to my room. I immediately unplug my phone and start to play music. Otherwise, I'd be asleep right now. Amy Winehouse comes on and I gain a sudden rush of confidence to get ready. 

I apply concealer, powder, mascara, lip gloss, and add some color to my eyebrows. Sometimes I sit in the mirror and wonder if painting my face is worth it. I'm still self-conscious either way. I guess makeup is like a wall for me, and my fresh face is something I keep hidden unless I really trust someone. Or I'm just self-conscious and make excuses for myself. 

I leave my hair down, like always, but change into a pair of jeans and a shirt. My go-to, really. I hear my mom leave her room, and know it's my cue to get in the car.

"Morning," I say in the most upbeat tone I can fake. 

"Morning! Ready to go?" Yes, sadly I was.

Traffic takes forever, I guess everyone really wants to get in on some high school action. I notice my mom's sudden glaces in the rear view mirror and can't help but share the same glance. In the car behind us is Taylor "whatever her name is". She's on the dance team, that's all I know. I think she's in my algebra. 

"She just can't get enough of herself," My mom lets out a chuckle. Taylor keeps making kissy faces in the mirror as she readjusts her hair for the thousandth time. I'm surprised her mom, sitting in the drivers seat, isn't judging her as hard as my mom is.

We finally reach the school and I wish my mom a good day before letting myself out of the car. She drives away as I turn and see Olly. He's standing with two guys and Taylor. How did she get here before me?

I look desperately at the ground. This group of people make me uncomfortable. I cling onto the strap of my bag as I walk past them, secretly wishing they'd stand somewhere else. Preferably somewhere across the campus. 

"You should come to my dance practice! Yes, it'd be so fun. You could see the dances we've come up with for the first game of the season..." Taylor is trying so hard for one of the boys to notice her, already answering her own question for them. I don't think they're coming to practice.

As soon as I walk past I hear one of the boys degrade her, in a joking way. I think.

-

I agreed to meet Madeline and Sara before our first period class. We met with a group of people on some wall outside the main building. They really had nothing new to say, neither did I. Though I did decide I wouldn't mind hanging around with them for a while, a semester maybe. 

Sara and I walked to first period together, seeing as we had the same class. Sara was really artsy, but not the smartest of people. Her life was based around boys, now high school boys. I could tell she was filling a hole. Her latest prey was our topic of conversation as we sat in the back of the classroom. 

"He's sweet, a little nerdy, and he rambles on a lot. Now that I think about it, he's really not my type. Maybe I should drop it. But also I want a boyfriend." She was talking to herself more than she was to me, but I didn't mind. People often solved their problems when talking to me. 

I grow bored of the assignment our student aide has given us. I'm never taking business again. I raise my hand to go to the bathroom, and my wish is granted.

I walk out of the classroom, not even knowing where the nearest bathroom was. I decide to turn around instead of wandering any further.

"Oh my.." I say as I bump into someone, causing them to drop their phone. "I'm so sorry," I apologize and look up. Crystal blue.

"Abby, right?"

"Avery." Great. It's Olly, the boy who apparently doesn't know my name.

"I was kidding." He kind of laughs, I'm not sure what it is. I'm not complaining though. It was cute.

"What class are you in?" He continues the conversation, probably picking up on the fact that I'm a nervous wreck.

"Business, you?"

"Wood work. Also, yuck." We both laugh this time. I look at his phone to find a crack laced upon the screen.

"Don't worry about it, I'm getting it taken away anyway." He sighs, reading my thoughts.

"Can I ask why?" He looks into my eyes. They look dangerous, like I could get lost in them and disappear for a couple of days.

"Honestly, I got caught smoking a cigarette." I hate cigarettes, but the idea of him savoring each puff as it travels down his throat and back up does something to my head. Stop it, Avery. Bad, bad Avery. 

"Classy." I say and smile. I'm surprised he even told me. Just as I begin to find myself comfortable enough to speak to him, his teacher appears and scolds him for leaving without a pass. He's dragged away so I decided to just return to class. Screw the bathroom.

I sit back down, next to Sara. She's on her phone, asking if anyone had the business worksheet. 

"I'll do it if you give me a few minutes. It's just explaining the functions of the home tab." She looks up at me, relieved but also completely stumped at the words that just came out of my mouth. 

"Are you alright? You look so flustered. Do you have like, powder or something with you?" I knew she meant it in a nice way, so I take it in a nice way.

"I'm fine, I just ran into someone."

"A boy, I can tell. I can see it in your eyes." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean.

"Here, copy." I hand her my paper to avoid this conversation going any further. My mind wanders and I start to feel guilty about cracking his phone. 

"Honestly, I got caught smoking a cigarette." Is he a  troublemaker? His words are slowly replaying in my head. Why are they replaying in my head? Why do I keep seeing this boy everywhere I go? Why do I...like it?

-

I'm listening to some random playlist through my earbuds as I make my way to yet another day of algebra. I sigh deeply to myself. Another year of everyone leeching off of me for my answers. 

I arrive around the corner the same time that Olly does, except he's on the opposite end of the hallway.

"Avery! Wait up!" Logan. Ugh.

"Hey Logan, I really have to go." I quickly speed up, leaving Logan in his tracks. I'd feel bad but he really doesn't get offended by my actions. He's too oblivious. 

Olly and I approach the door at the same time, and he opens the door, waiting for me to pass even though he got here first.

"Thanks," I mumble, not even able to hear myself. How is it we had a conversation earlier and I was fine but now I can't even let out a mumble? 

My hand traces the door, and I see him watch my action through the glass. Butterflies swim around my stomach, just from being so close to him. It kind of felt like he was protecting me from whatever was outside of the class, in a way...

I wonder if he saw Logan again. 

Who was I kidding, I know he did. 

(I know this seems short and might not hold a lot of meaning but trust me it's building up to something)