The Art of Letting You Go

it's not him, it's you

I tore myself off of Logan as my alarm beeped throughout the silent room. I had never fallen asleep with Logan before. Not even when we dated. It was comforting to be with another person, though. I hope his mom wasn't worried about him not coming home.

I stand up and make my way to the bathroom. After my shower I get dressed and go downstairs. Did either one of my parents come home last night? I brew myself two cups of coffee, one for me and one for Logan. I walk to the living room, my eyes scanning the couch for my dad. There were blankets sprawled out across the piece of furniture. He must have left for work already. My mom must have left for her appointment. I texted her just in case.

Olly: Hey :)

I replied with Hi and a smiley face, but I didn't have time for a full conversation. 

"Logan," I say, resting the second cup of coffee on my bed side table. He groans and pulls the mug to his mouth. I turn around and walk to the mirror, applying my makeup. Behind me, Logan gets up and makes his way to my parents room, rumbling on about my mom telling him he could borrow my dad's clothes. He must have seen her last night.

By the time Logan comes back my face is done. We both brush our teeth and hair and make our way to his car. He puts the key into the ignition. 

"Ugh, what a night. He says, rubbing the back of his neck before pulling out of my driveway. I must have made his arm go numb or something.

"Sorry," I offer with a smile. He laughs it off, telling me he was just positioned weird. The car ride wasn't comfortable, considering we both had relationships of our own. Last night I hadn't even thought of Olly. Would he be upset?

My question is about to be answered as Logan pulls up to the school to park. I see Olly talking to Mason, who then walks away. Are they friends now? Logan hands me my backpack and ew both step out of the car. Olly's eyes immediately find us, as he huffs and turns on his heels. He walks back into the school instead of towards me.

"What the?" I turn to Logan, who was watching Olly do the same thing.

"You should go talk to him," He suggests and I obey. I jog slightly up to where I last saw Olly. I went to his usual spot but his group wasn't there. I finally found him outside of a locker, struggling with his lock.

"Here," I say, attempting to help him open his locker.

"I don't need your help." He remarks harshly. I take a step back, confused as to why he spoke to me like that.

"What's wrong?" I ask, trying to make eye contact with him, but he keeps his head down.

"We're not together, stop asking me that." He spits and walks away. I stand, dumbfounded. I thought we were together. Was he really upset that I got a ride with my best friend? He did fall asleep in my bed, but it's not like I kissed him. He has a girlfriend, and I thought I had a boyfriend. I'd follow after Olly but he disappeared around the corner. I walk away, deciding to give him his space, as I see Taylor skipping down the hall. A noise of disgust leaves my mouth as she rounds the corner Olly just disappeared into. I can't help but follow.

"Sure." Olly replies to whatever Taylor said. She giggles and jumps up and down, clapping her hands. Really? She acts like a five year old but takes selfies like a twenty year old. 

"See you at five!" She goes to hug him but he's already walking away. I send a smile to the situation, silently thanking Olly for embarrassing her. Then I realize what he agreed to--practice.

I pull out my phone.

Me: Don't be mad. Logan has a girlfriend, we're just friends. I swear.

I wait for Olly to reply as I walk to class. Would Sara be upset about Logan spending the night? 

Olly: I'm not mad. Meet me where I dropped my phone in thirty minutes. 

In thirty minutes I'd already be in class, so I'd have to ask to leave. Hopefully the student aide grants my wish again.

-

"May I please use the restroom?" She nods. I get up and leave the classroom. I walk, feeling somewhat guilty, as I find Olly leaning against the lockers. I notice the phone in his hand, it's different from the one he had dropped. He must have a back up phone.

"Olly." I say and he turns around. I read his eyes, trying to see how careful I should be in this conversation. 

"Avery."

"I had a bad night last night, and I didn't have a ride to school this morning." I start by explaining myself first. It seemed as though that's how this conversation was going to go.

"Last night? Was he with you last night?" Crap.

"Yes, my mom called him. He fell asleep and took me to school in the morning." He scoffs, I obviously added fuel to his fire.

"It wasn't like that, Olly."

"Don't call me Olly. I knew I shouldn't have opened up to you." His words sting like a million bees.

"If I wasn't your girlfriend then why does it matter?" I ask, offended by his previous words but deciding to use them against him. My justification was that I had to stand up for myself. I'd never let a man walk over me like my dad does to my mom.

"Avery, I-" He sighs, running his fingers through his hair. He must think I'm being unreasonable. I shouldn't have slept with Logan in the same bed, but I was crying and he was holding me and we both fell asleep. There were no feelings involved, only the comfort of my best friend. I wait for Olly to finish his sentence, but instead, he walks away from me. 

He left me, again. How stupid was I? To think I could rush into a relationship with someone like this. I barely knew him. He probably kissed me just to prove he could. How could he just walk away from this? We weren't arguing, we were discussing but he obviously didn't care enough to finish. 

I'll admit, I started to cry as I walked back to my classroom. The feelings I had for this boy were so intense. He had cursed my dreams, and my every thought. Everything revolved around him. The only time I've managed to get him off my mind was last night with Logan. 

Was I falling in love? 

Of course I was. I studied the way he played with his pencil in frustration when he couldn't focus. I knew the color of his eyes like the back of my hand. I knew how hard it was for him to open up to someone, and I fell even more when he told me his past. He trusted me, and I just threw it away. It should have been Olly in my bed, not Logan. I hadn't even invited Logan over, my mother did. 

Just as I round the corner, I feel someone's hand brush against my skin. I sniffle as the sparks ignite my veins. Olly.

I turn to face him. I thought he had left, but he came back. He was holding something in his hands, two tickets.

"I'm sorry. Come to the carnival with me?" His question sounds like a plea, my heart aches just from hearing the desperation in his voice. I nod as he pulls me into an embrace. It probably wasn't healthy for me to forgive him so fast, but I realized he had these tickets, and instead of fighting with me, he went to go get them. 

"It's not him, it's you." I whisper.