The Art of Letting You Go

i could tell

My alarm goes off and I immediately start to panic. Was the kiss a dream? Did he really cry in front of me?

I throw the blankets off of me and search for my notebook. As I fumble around I hear something hit the hardwood floor below me. I pick up the purple book, flipping to the very last entry.

"His mouth met mine and his soul hasn't left me since." 

Turns out my imagination wasn't playing a cruel joke on me, after all. 

I quickly get ready and meet my mom in the passenger seat of her car. 

"Good morning, sweetie." Her voice isn't as bubbly as it should be, and I almost walk back into the house to curse my dad out.

"I heard you and dad last night..." My voice fades as I reach the end of my sentence. When I said my dad and I buy my mom gifts, I really meant that he drives me to the store where I pick and buy the present, and then adds his name on the tag just to see her face light up. 

"I'm sorry sweetie. You know I hate it when he gets loud." My mom flinches at the mention of his temper as she pulls out of the driveway. 

"What was it this time?" I turn to face my mom. 

"We don't have to talk about it sweetie."

"I want to, mom." I mock her, in a loving way.

She sighs. "I didn't feel like putting the dishes away last night, or the night before. He said I give too many excuses for something that isn't real." I see the tear slide off her cheek and land on her thigh. I once walked into the kitchen, hearing my dad call her depression a sin. 

"You know it's not true. If it's fake then why does he pressure you about taking your pills? He just chooses his faith over his family." I sigh and stare out the window. Of course it's raining. 

My mom stays silent. I think she's letting the words sink in before she cries again. I was planning to tell her about my first kiss. I was planning to tell her about my first...love?

When I think about love I feel selfish. I couldn't possibly bring that up with the woman who wants it most. Believe me, she thinks she has it. Though my dad will probably never be capable of it. 

"Have a good day, sweetie!" I smile and close the door. Another day at hell, but at least now I have Olly.

Do I have him? Does he have me? Does he want me?

I push the thoughts aside and walk to my first period. 

-

This is the first time I've been genuinely happy to be in math. I opened the door and saw no sight of Olly. My minds starts to overheat as I wonder where I'll sit. Will Olly sit with me? Should I sit with him? Is he even going to acknowledge me?

There he is. I was worried he wouldn't show. He plops himself down into the seat next to me, and every piece of panic I had flew away.

"Hi," I whisper softly.

"Hey." He smiles and leans closer. But there was no way I'd be kissing him in front of a teacher or in the middle of a classroom. No matter how much I wanted to.

"I realized I don't have your number." He says and discretely slips me a piece of paper. I laugh at the gesture and enter the digits into my phone. He texts me a smiley face to make sure it works.

We spend the class period laughing and teasing, but I did notice he struggled with his math so I ended up helping him the whole time. It was cute, to see the confusion in his eyes as he looked over each problem, searching for the easiest one to do. I pulled the pencil from his hand and started on one of them, his eyes scanning me the entire time. 

-

"Avery, is it true? You kissed Olly!" Madeline rams into me as I meet them for lunch.  I allow myself to smile, just thinking about it gives me chills. 

 Usually I have lunch before math, but the school has been flip flopping the lunch schedules.  

"I..." I stutter. "I guess."

"You guess?" Sara and Madeline start jumping up and down.

"Okay, calm down guys. It was just a kiss." The words that came out of my mouth didn't match the feelings I felt. I knew it wasn't just a kiss, for either of us. I knew he let his walls down to trust again and I'm beginning to realize that not every man will turn out like my father.

The rest of lunch I was forced to talk about the way Olly's lips felt, where his hands went, and what was said after. 

I didn't mind. My heart jumped every time I relived the memory. 

-

"How's Olly?" Logan asks as we walk out and into the rain.

"He's really good. We're really good." I look at him sideways, wondering if he'd be hurt. He most likely wouldn't, since he was so quick to tell me about Sara. I still didn't want to hurt him.

"I knew it. Sara owes me five bucks." He laughs as we stroll to the car. This time he drove himself instead of his dad. I'm thankful, his dad was kind of awkward at times.

"How'd you know?" 

"They way you guys looked at each other. And that arm holding in the car. You guys had an instant connection from what I could tell." I won't lie, the words that just left his mouth will never leave my mind. I knew I was lucky to have had my first kiss so early into knowing someone. Anyone could say it's rushed, or too easy for it to be genuine. I couldn't care, all I could care about was the way he made my stomach into a roller coaster. 

"Yeah," I reply with a smile, tucking my wet hair behind my ears. Logan starts the car and pulls out of the parking space.