Well it's art.

Lets talk about this

I know this I weird thing to talk about. But depression took its grasp on me  And I really wanna talk and not feel like I'm chocking on words in real life. But I don't wanna make you guys uncomfortable no that's not my intention. It's just okay, for me it's late insomnia won't let me sleep, depression has me in its grasp, anxiety has me thinking of a million things and I need room to breathe. And Wattpad is that, but getting off topic. I am going to talk about it and you guys can skip this chapter I don't really care. But I'm gonna post this to help me and maybe some of my reader that may be suffering with the same problems as me. Okay breathe.

Do you ever feel like the entire sky is on your shoulders ready to crash down, cuz I do. I feel like atlas from the Greek myths having to shoulder the sky just so it doesn't meet the world. I feel like that. As I lay in this bed of mine trying to just get a quick breath of fresh air. And I'm gasping for anything at this point.

Open a window let fresh air in and you'll breathe no that doesn't work for me. When I open that window I feel like I'm letting the world see what a nightmare and a mess that I am. Never ever think that for a second I don't want to open that window I do it's just that I can't.

If I open that window the world will see me, not the one I show the world the one I keep for myself the disgrace, the emotional, the panic attack, nervous, depressed me and I don't want that. I like the way they see me even if it's fake.

I get asked how was my sleep I say fine of course I do. But when they ask you hey what did I dream about  I say I don't remember because really, I run my self tired and I pass out from pure exhaustion. I sleep for about a hour and then I wake up just to do this every other night.
When I do sleep I'm plagued with nightmares and things I could have done better. They say take sleeping pills that will help, it does. But sometimes that's not enough what happens when the pills stop working what then. I don't know.

They say why did you cut, well I don't know. They say you must know if you did that to your body. Yes I cut my body but I wanted to. I need something to help me pay for all I had done. So when I looked upon that razor all I could think about was yes this way I can pay for all the sins upon my back on my shoulders maybe I can.

When my friend passed away she said don't blame yourself okay. Well I do because there must have been something that I could have done to help you right? Wrong I don't think I could have done anything that would made you not do it. But still the thought lingers holding on to my shoulder wrapping around me like a necklace of doubt saying over and over again it's your fault you could have helped them could have saved them. Maybe I could have but I didn't that makes me a bad friend.

Maybe because the wound is still there that's why u hold people at arms length so I don't get close or so they don't see the demons that bound them selves to me. Holding me a hostage in my own head weighing down the other side of this bed.

I tried to open the window I really did but that didn't help.

When I tried to commit suicide all I could think was I'm so tired. When I looked at those pills in that bottle all I could think maybe I can take the weight of this burden off my shoulders. How selfish of me. Maybe just maybe.

But the thing is now I'm okay, maybe not perfect I have scars bumps and bruises. But now I have amazing friends who would do anything for me, a amazing person who would do anything to make me feel comfortable. And that's okay.
I may still have those dark days when I feel like the world is gonna collapse on me. But that's okay. Right?

I can't say that I'm perfectly okay that I'm never gonna wanna hurt myself or anything because that's urge is still there.
But I wanna say that it's okay to have those dark days when nothing seems possible where you feel like your worthless, but that does not mean that you are. I know it hurts that you feel like nothing is possible but that's the thing it is possible it's gonna take a lot of work yes. But that doesn't mean it's not Worth it.

Everyone is gonna have that window that there not gonna wanna open. But trust me, when you do your gonna have the most refreshing breath of fresh air in the world. That's not gonna stop the thoughts of Course not but it helps. Go to a therapist if you want I don't well because therapy doesn't work for me it makes me feel trapped. But if it helps you go for it. But please remember you were put on this earth for a reason. And own that.

It's gonna take time it's not gonna be a over night thing of course it's not. But it's gonna feel amazing when your free I'm still going trying to get my breath of fresh air but I'm gonna get there. I may loose a bunch of friends on the way I know this. But this is my body.

And If you do to please just remember it's your body it's your world just breath and remember it's okay that your gonna be okay

That's all thanks for reading this and I hope you don't hate me to bad for this