Nightmares (A Shizaya Fanfic)

Emotional Overload

I suddenly felt in my chest, that feeling when you want the right thing to fall into the right place, not only because it's right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible. I felt that even though I literally felt my sanity slipping away, Shizuo would stay with me. For the first time in my life, I was seriously sure of one thing- and that was that Shizuo loved me. He really truly did care about me, and I couldn't have asked for anything else.

Shizuo looked at me, with apparent surprise plastered all over his face. "I taught you those things? I thought that everything I had said to you was just seen as an empty promise, or just a tool to make you feel less alone," He looked solemn and sad, as if every word he had said was a stab wound in his heart. I had to admit at one point in my life, I did take everything that he sad as a group of words used as a tool to make me feel better, but now, everything that came out of his mouth was just perfect.

"Of course you taught me those things. When I look at you, I get this rush of adrenaline. You're just so perfect, I don't know what to do sometimes," I gave him a genuine smile and kissed his lips softly, as if validating all the things that I had told him were 100% purely truth. He just smiled helplessly back at me.

"Izaya, you know, someday, even if it's not me, someone is going to look at you like you the most precious thing in the world, and when that day comes, you need to let them in. Don't automatically shut them out like you did to me for all those years. Okay? You never know when someone is going to change your life so drastically that you look back on the past and wonder who that person was," I felt my heart pang against my sore chest. I loved everything that he had just said, just as much as I loved him.

I hugged him as tightly as I could, trying to wash all my sadness and confusion away with love and affection. He hugged back, not missing a beat. I loved how easily he could reciprocate my feelings. That was something that was definitely irreplaceable about him. I snuggled into the warmth of his chest and listened to his heartbeat, which was slowing down from the rapid pace I was sure it was going not that long ago.

I was definitely terrified of what might become of me with this surgery, but I had to keep calm for Shizuo's sake. Over the time I had spent with Shizuo, I had learned that when you really care about someone, you do what's best for them. Even if it sucks for you. You contour your life, so that it makes the other person happy, because after a certain point you realize that they mean more to you, than you do. It's an odd feeling, but it's also one of the most warm and welcoming feelings I've ever experienced. To love one person more than anything on the whole planet is so much more fulfilling than you could ever dream.

"Izaya, can you promise me something?" Shizuo spoke up after being silent, and letting me mull over my thoughts. I nodded. Of course I could promise him something. If I couldn't make a promise to him, who could I make a promise to? "Promise me that you'll never put your happiness in other people's hands. I swear to you that they'll drop it. They'll drop it every time. Put your happiness in your own hands. Be happy for you. Okay?"

His words hit me like a freight train. His words sunk into my head as if I was a sponge in a heavy rain storm. I processed what he told me and realized that that was what I struggled with. I was never happy for me. I was only happy thanks to other people's words and actions. I had become so dependent since my giant wave of anxiety and depression, that I had forgotten what independence was. It was a scary thought to have realized I had based every moment of every day on a single other person, but at the same time I realized how much happier I was when I was completely dependent on Shizuo.

I smiled at him, and spoke in the most genuine voice I could in the state I was in, "Maybe I had become so dependent on you because I could watch you for a single minute and find a thousand different things that I love about you," I pecked his lips gently, lingering for a second to breathe in his scent of cigarettes, and to feel the surprising softness of his lips. Then I spoke again, "In all seriousness though, I get what you're trying to tell me. I promise. I understand that I need to stop beating myself up over some things that I can no longer change, and I thank you for that,"

I sat in his arms, as we listened to the steady ticking of the clock in the far corner of the room. As I heard the doctors come down the hallway for me, I felt my heartbeat quicken, and chills wrack over my body. I had been so busy trying to sooth Shizuo, that I had completely forgotten how utterly terrified I actually was. I kissed Shizuo hard and passionately trying to convey to him that whatever happened, I loved him, and not even death could change that.

The doctor walked into the room and motioned for me to get on the gurney that a male nurse had pushed into the room. Shizuo picked me up in his arms and laid me down on the transportation that would get me to the surgical ward. As we began to venture down the bright hallways. I looked down at my hand, which was intertwined with a frantic Shizuo's hand, and I began to let my mind wander. I averted my gaze, so that I was looking at Shizuo's face, (which was contoured with worry) and I began to wish that I could just fast forward time just to see that if in the end this was all worth it.

"So what we're going to do, Mr. Heiwajima, is we're going to give him so anesthetics, and make an incision in his right side to remove the tumor. If all goes well, you should see him in maybe 3 hours? He should be awake after about 6 hours, so if you want to go home you-" The doctor began to speak, but Shizuo cut him off after the sentence "if you want to go home".

"I'd rather stay here. My boyfriend needs my support and that is damn well what I am going to give him. 6 hours, 12 hours, or even 24 hours, I will be here, right by his side," Shizuo proclaimed to the doctor, as he wheeled me into the room where the surgery would take place. I stopped the doctor for a second and waved Shizuo over to me. He walked into the room after the doctor gave him and annoyed approving nod.

I grabbed Shizuo by the collar of his shirt and made our lips meet forcefully. I wrapped my arms around him tightly as he combed his trembling fingers through my hair. I didn't realize I was crying until he pulled back and wiped away the streams that were coming down my face. I felt my body start to shake as if the room had gone down to a mere 10 degrees. I was scared of my past, I was scared of the present, but most of all, I was scared of the future. What would become of me and my pecious Shizu-chan?

They closed the big metal duble doors, seperating me from Shizuo until the surgery was over. They placed a syringe in my IV and injected me with the anesthetics. I could feel it coarse through my veins, as I sruggled to keep my eyes open. The lights became blurry, and the room started to fade away. Before I fell into my deep sleep, I almost laughed to myself as I realized the anesthetic would give me peace. I love sleep. You tend to forget about your pain, problems, stress, and everything else, even if it's just for a little while. And with that thought, began the hours of stress and waiting that Shizuo had to endure, while I slept under my anesthesia during this surgery.