Nightmares (A Shizaya Fanfic)

Save Me

I didn't expect to dream during the anesthesia, much less let any thought travel through my brain, but it seemed to be happening. Except all I saw, were all of my memories before me in a third person point of view, like how people always say their lives flash before them before they die. I felt a wave of different emotions shoot through me as I remembered things I hadn't dwelled on in years and years.

I saw my teenage self, crying hopelessly in my bedroom. Back then, I used to cry myself to sleep over the denial of my love for Shizuo. I was so alone. All of the cold nights spent without his arms around me, the nights I wished he would have spent with me, and above all else, the silence. The fucking silence that was tearing me apart inside. Ripping open every artery and every vein, killing me from the inside out.

The depression came on gradually, stealing smiles day by day until finally none remained. All that remained were my fake childish grins I gave Shizuo as I was chased around by him for hours on end. I had tried everything to reach him, but as time went by, he only pushed me further away, growing increasingly more distant, as he though every chance I tried to show affection was just another stupid game. He needed things I wasn't capable of giving him, and I blamed myself for pushing my feelings for him away to the point where they were almost non-existent.

As I looked at the old us, tears slicked down my cheeks. In my mind, I whispered quiet eulogies to each happy memory we've ever had together. I felt then, with all my strength suddenly gone, the feeling of Shizuo's hand's slipping through my fingertips, dissipating soundlessly into my memories, as if he never existed at all.

I fell to my knees, I saw a point in time from Shizuo's perspective. He sat on his bed, with his head in his hands. The first thing that came to my mind were the words I didn't need to hear at the time, due to my mind still being connected with high school me. He regretted it. He regretted it all. He regretted shutting me out, turning away from me when he needed me most. He regretted the mornings he'd ignore me in the hallways, only to leave before we could talk. Most of all, he regretted that he ever let himself stop loving me.

I couldn't help but let the tears flow steadily down my face. I started to mumble to myself. "It's okay if I'm not your favorite chapter that you've ever had in your life Shizu-chan, but I hope you sometimes smile when you remember the pages I was still apart of," I layed down in the fetal position, suddenly terrified at what was happening. Was I dead? Was I dying? Was there a hallucinigenic side effect to this anesthetic?

As I continued to see the memories play out I couldn't help but feel so sick of feeling sad, unwanted, and lonely. I couldn't bare having to say goodbye to Shizuo ever. It doesn't always take a knife to kill someone, all it takes is a simple goodbye. For me, that good bye would be to Shizuo. You can't just come into someone's life, make them feel special, and then leave. That's just not how things worked.

I felt a pressure on my chest and a voice that went with it. "I'll be here when you wake up Izaya, just please wake up," Please wake up? Was I on coma watch? What happened? So many questions raced through my usually full mind. I got up from my pervious position on the ground of whatever crevice of my mind I was in, and I began to run towards the source of the voice. Could that be my way out of here?

There was a bright light in the far right corner of the direction I was running in. Usually people tell you not to go towards the light in situations like this, but how could I not? It could be one of two things. Either it's Heaven (or Hell I mean who knows where I'm going at this point), or the hospital with Shizuo. This was my deciding moment. I approached the light in question, and jumped into it. Like Alice fell into the rabbit hole, I fell into my fate.

I opened my eyes, to be blinded by bright lights. I whimpered, as the brightness was just too much at the moment. I heard a gasp, and then my face was grabbed. "Izaya?! Are you awake?" I blinked a few times, trying to get used to my surroundings. The blurry room became clear, as I saw an ecstatic Shizuo staring into my eyes.

"Am- Am I in Heaven?" I mumbled. Shizuo laughed and grabbed my face forcing our lips together in a passionate kiss. He held me close to him, as if he was afraid if he let go of me, I'd be lost forever. I moved my lips against his lazily, because all of my strength was drained out of me. The doctor cleared his throat getting our attention.

"As long as you promise no more self harm or suicide attempts, we can send you home today. Although Mr. Heiwajima needs to take care of you. You'll be able to walk tomorrow, but stay in bed all day today. I'm going to fill out some paperwork so we can discharge you," For the first time since I got here, I gave the doctor a genuine smile. He left the room soon after that.

Shizuo tilted my chin up to meet our lips again. We moved our lips together rhythmically against each other, relishing every moment. I could tell he was terrified of what could've happened to me. I would've apologized for worrying him sick, but knowing him, he wouldn't have accepted it. He would've told me it wasn't my fault, when in reality, it was. Shizuo slid his hands up my bare back, as he deepened the kiss. I loved the way his lips felt against mine, the gentle touches he gave me, and the love and affection he showered me in. It was all so beautiful.

Before Shizuo and I could go any farther, two nurses walked in the room asking Shizuo to sign some papers. As soon as he had finished, they told us we could leave. They offered transportation, but Shizuo denied it and told them he'd rather carry me. They didn't object. After taking my vitals once more, they gave Shizuo the okay to take me home. I was supposed to take some pain medicine and not move too much for the next week.

He picked me up in the strong arms I'd come to love so well. I snuggled into his arms, knowing that the walk would be a bit on the long side. I kissed his chin and giggled. Whatever the doctors had done, had really changed my mood. Who knew it would have been a tumor that made me feel like dying everyday. I was literally being killed from the inside out.

I looked up at Shizuo for a moment, to see this he had a grim expression on his face. I frowned. He should've been happy given the circumstances. "Do you know something I don't?" I asked sternly. Was there something wrong with me that he wasn't telling me. 

He looked down at me. "What?" He stopped walking, giving me his full, undivided attention. 

"I said, is there something you know, that I don't?" I stared into his eyes, begging him to tell me if he was keeping secrets from me. I trusted him, yes, but you never know when someone could be hiding something for 'your own good'. 

Shizuo half smiled for a second before he began walking again, "No no. It's nothing like that. We'll talk when we get home okay? I just- I just have some fears right now. Okay?" 

I snuggled into his arms and closed my eyes. I guess it would have to wait until we got home then. Somehow, I felt like whatever Shizuo was planning to tell me, made our seemingly perfect relationship hang in the balance, and by the look on his face, it was hanging by a thin string that could break any second.