11:29pm
No one really knows my story, they dont know what actually happened to me and why i am the way i am so i thought that i would tell my story now. Its gonna be hard to put into words so im gonna try my best. Okay so when i was born my dad wasnt at my birth because he was in prison. Im not sure why but im guessing for drugs, but my dad made it to all of my other siblings birth. Knowing that im the only child in my family that my dad wasnt there when i was born which is an important even in my life. My only childhood memories are the ones where my dad is beating my mom and hurting my sister. I remember that i would stay up all night because every time i closed my eye i could see my sister being choked by my day, he had her against the wall and her feet were off the ground and i was just sitting there. I was so useless, i didnt do anything i just sat there while my sister was being choked by my dad for trying to stop him from hitting my mom. I really love my sister, more than you could imagine. Shes the only one that doesnt judge me. Anyways back to the story. My dad was always in and out of prison and whenever i would go to see him in prison i always asked him when he was coming home and he would always say "I'm coming home soon. I promise." He would always whisper the last part under his breath. But once he got out he would be out for like 3 months but then go straight back. He always promised me things and then he would just break them. My parents did nothing but fight and argue, if my mom spoke to my dad with the wrong tone he would usually hit her. Everyone in the house was scared of him except my sister. I would always get made fun of because of all the bruises i had on my arms and legs. My brother used to hit me cause when he saw my dad do it to my mom he thought it was okay to do it to me. Kids at school would also make fun of how i looked and how i was a loner. I would always eat at school alone cause i didnt know how to act around other kids cause i didnt have role model. When i got to 5th grade was when the bullying got out of hand. People would make songs about me saying how i was a white doughnut with sprinkles cause im white and i have freckles and then they would point out all of my flaws. Kids i didnt even know would shoulder me as the walked by me in the halls. I never really knew what i did to deserve all of it but then i started to realize that it was my presence. As i got older i lost interest in things i used to enjoy. I used to love being with my nephew but now i get annoyed of him within a few hours. I didn't think i had depression when i was younger because i thought i was just going through a phase but then i noticed i would start crying for no reason and i wouldn't be able to sleep at night and i would have a hard time concentrating. Then one day i looked up depression and i looked at the symptoms of it and realized i had a lot of the symptoms. While i continued to do research on depression i took about 11 test for depression and they all said i had clinical depression. I don't want to say i have depression for sure because only a doctor could tell me that but from the looks of it , it looks like i have clinical depression. After i found out i kept it to myself for a while then i told my best friends and they've noticed that i have changed over the year and think i have it to. Every night i found myself either eating or cutting myself. I still suffer from bulimia and self harm, and things aren't getting any better if anything i feel like its getting worse. Anyways theirs probably more that i forgot but i just don't want to really want to remember them.
