Random Rants

Yeehaw

You know, I'm scared of a lot of things.

I'm scared of very tall heights, what happens after death, being abandoned/abandoning someone, never finding love, snakes, being hated, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, small spaces, judgement, regret, being yelled at/hit purposely, the list goes on.

And honestly, they are all so realistic that they hurt. I've been in three failed relationships, and I'm currently in a relationship (that has probably failed from the start but we're trying), small spaces because I'm claustrophobic, being judged is the first thing people think about when they're doing something they think is successful. I have been yelled at and hit purposely (no abuse I swear), I have said so many wrong things at the wrong times. I'm afraid of my internet friends abandoning me and us all falling apart, I always have dreams about snakes and they always end up coming after me, very tall heights are easy to fall off of and very enticing that sometimes I want to fall off of them. I'm scared that nothing will happen after I die and I'm just left in an empty void where I'm left to rot, I always feel regret, for things I do and for things I don't do. People online have told me they hate me and/or their friends hate me, and it breaks my heart to put on a façade that I'm actually fine and I'm not hurt that someone doesn't actually like me.

So many things in my life go on and on and on, and sometimes I can't help but be so emo. My emotions are all flooding in at once, and honestly, I really can't have my depression closing in on me in these moments.

I have a damn birthday party to go to today, and I really want to cry and I also want to see my best friend who I haven't seen since forever.

I miss her so much, and I don't even know if I'm gonna see her over the school year which sucks epically. I wish I had the same classes but I can't help it that she's smarter than me lmao

At least my kitty will always be at my side. She loves to sleep next to me on my bed, and she's just so cute.

OH, on a lighter note, recently I adopted the most precious baby girl ever, I love her with all my heart and I wish to never let her go.

Her name is Whitney and she's a black cat with such fluffy fur. She has a small tuft of white hair on her chest. Her eyes are a beautiful shade of hazel, and she gets along pretty well woth my other two cats Woody and Catspurr.

If she's not the goodest girl in the entire world, then I will never know who is.

Update: she's sitting on my chest and her fur is rubbing against my face and I love it.

I should go to bed, it's getting late and I'm packing up in the morning.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

~Tristan 🌌🏳️‍🌈🖤