Fixing Us

Chapter 24: The Deciding Moment

Arriving at the doctors office, it's everything I can do to drag myself in without just collapsing. It's been a week and a half since Sohjae shoved me onto my bad side. A week and a half since Solbi joined the team.

The chemo is in full swing at this point. It's been taking a serious toll on me. I managed to convince my manager to give me an extra week to get him my solo stuff since I had essentially no time at all last week to work on anything.

When I'm brought back, I almost can't haul myself onto the bed in the room. I've been brought to one of the more urgent area type rooms, in an actual hospital room here. It's where I've been brought the last two times so it's no surprise that it's where I'm at now.

It's now becoming quite obvious that I'm losing a decent bit of weight. It's something that's typical when taking chemo, but it's a problem for me considering the fact that none of the boys know it other than Namjoon. Though, I'm not certain that he hasn't forgotten the whole ordeal of me having cancer at this point with how busy they've grown, trying to get everything prepped for their own release that's coming up next week.

It's also a problem for me with being in the band though. I'm supposed to be leading them, teaching them choreography, meanwhile I can hardly make it through one dance. Despite having come to the thought last week about soju, I've yet to turn to it. Probably only because I've hardly got the time and I'm still trying to hold out for a miracle to happen.

Though, I'm three weeks in at this point. Right around the time that Dr. Ming said we'd need to start seriously considering the option of amputation. I'm beginning to run out of time for a miracle to be happening.

"Hi, sweetheart." The nurse that's been handling me for the last couple weeks greets me when she walks into the room. I'm already changed into the hospital gown, knowing the procedures all too well at this point. I give her a small smile.

"You ready to go for the X-rays? We have to take some scans today too." She informs me. Sighing, I nod my head. Biting my lip, she helps me into a wheelchair before beginning to push me down the halls.

"You know, your hair is actually holding up pretty well for how long you've been on this stuff. It looks good." She compliments as we go down the hall. I don't respond, looking at my reflection in a window as we pass by one.

Catching my appearance, I look like hell. Thanks to having only had half a head of hair to begin with, it isn't super noticeable that I've begun losing some of it. I bawled my eyes out when it started falling out in small clumps last week. I'm not someone who really gives a shit about my appearance, but it's hard when you're trying to keep yourself from looking like you're going through what you actually are.

I guess I really should be grateful the boys have been so insanely busy this week that they've not paid me much mind.

I don't look like I've lost tons on tons of weight, but I think that's only because I've managed to force myself to keep a meal and a half total down each day and because I've still been staying stupidly active. I'm not going to lie though, as much as I want to keep hiding this from the boys so as not to hurt and worry any of them, it sucks fucking ass that I'm going through this alone.

"So today was the big release, right?" The nurse speaks up as we reach the X-ray room first. I nod my head.

"Are you excited for it? Yours is next week, isn't it?" She continues.

She had decided back last week on Tuesday that if she was going to keep working with me that she should get to know a little bit about the girl she's wheeling around. It's cool though. I like her. She's a really sweet woman in her forties with a daughter and a son, eleven and seven years old who both like my music and the bands music along with the boys' stuff.