Battle Scars [BxB]

T W E N T Y F I V E

The train rattled as it bounced along the tracks, squeaking and howling noisily. I plugged my headphones in and switched my music on, tapping my finger against my knee to the tune of an old rock song. My eyes drifted to stare longingly out the window, watching the countryside zoom past me, blurring into a mess of trees and grass.

My eyes fell down to my muddy converse, the laces caked in dirt. And I smiled.

I was wearing a brightly coloured jacket over pale jeans and a silver belt. I was a wreck when Luca first left me, pumped with pills, my schedule filled with therapy sessions and doctor's appointments. I couldn't even imagine a life without fear or pain or sorrow. I was incapable of understanding what true beauty was. But now, I was returning to him, happy and excited, feeling like the world was at my fingertips.

When a scratchy voice announced my stop, I grabbed my heavy backpack and flung it over my shoulder, ran my fingers through my scruffy lilac hair and exited the train. The platform was bustling with people, full of chatter and atmosphere as I tried to push my way through the crowds.

I jumped when someone grabbed me from behind, an arm snaking around my waist as the other hand covered my eyes, "Guess who." A husky voice whispered in my ear.

I grinned, my lip caught between my teeth in apprehension, "Theresa May? No, Donald-"

Luca spun me around and crashed his lips onto mine with so much desperation, I nearly fainted. I could feel his smile, his lip ring brushing against my mouth as he continued to kiss me. I still hadn't got a glimpse of his face as he pulled back and immediately wrapped me in a tight hug.

"Fucking hell, i-it's freezing, why'd you have to go to uni up North?"

Luca just rolled his eyes and took my backpack off of me, fixing it onto his own shoulders to carry. "Nice to see you too." He laughed, lacing our fingers together, two gloved hands connected once again.

I giggled, leaning into him for warmth, "I-I missed you."

He gave my hand a small squeeze in return, "I missed you too." Once we were out of the station, Luca dragged me over to the bus stop, where we huddled together for warmth until the bus arrived. "I can't wait to introduce you to my friends. They're dying to meet you."

"R-Really?"

"Yeah, I talk about you all the time."

"W-What do you say?" I asked apprehensively.

He grinned in amusement, just as the bus pulled up. We shuffled on and Luca paid for both our tickets before finding a couple of seats by the window. "A bunch of stuff." He merely shrugged.

I frowned a little, chewing on my bottom lip nervously.

"I-I mean...like, good stuff." He quickly corrected. "Y'know, not anything about..."

I sighed in relief and nuzzled a little closer, "Okay." I whispered, "Okay, good."

"Theo, I have something to tell you."

I recoiled quickly, watching his face in an attempt to spot any signs of danger. He looked nervous, twirling his thumbs and avoiding eye contact. My anxiety picked up in a heartbeat, millions of thoughts racing through my mind. He's cheating. He's breaking up with me. He's moving even further away. He hates me, he wants it to end.

"Y-Yeah?"

"I...I almost did something really bad. Like really bad."

I gulped, "W-What are you talking about?"

He took a deep, shaky breath, "Okay, you can't freak out."

"Luca, you're making me freak out."

"I tried to burn down a gas station." He blurted out. "Oh shit, it sounds so much worse when I say it out loud, it wasn't like that."

I felt guilty that the only emotion flooding my system was relief. My boyfriend had almost burnt a building down...again. And yet, I was just thankful that he wasn't breaking up with me. "I-I don't get it." I whispered.

"I was with some friends." He started. "They went in to pay and grab some food and I was left with the car. I know you shouldn't smoke in a gas station, I know that. But I really wanted to, and not because I needed a fag. I just wanted to see it burn. It was so fucked up, Theo, I haven't thought like that in years."

"But you didn't do anything." I interjected.

"But I almost did."

"B-But you didn't."

"But I haven't stopped thinking about it since. Wherever I go, I'm wondering what will happen if I just light something on fire and watch everyone melt and die."

I bit my lip in contemplation, squeezing his trembling fingers comfortingly, "L-Luca-"

"I'm seeing a therapist. I mean, I've only had one session but I think it's helping."

I nodded slightly, "You're not a bad guy." I said quietly. "Y-You can't blame yourself for thinking like this, it's not your fault."

"I just...I thought I had this shit under control. I don't even carry a lighter around anymore, I'm too scared. I don't trust myself."

The bus trembled and shook when the wheels hit a speed bump and a baby being bounced on a man's lap started to cry. "I-I don't trust myself either." I whispered, leaning back against Luca's side. "E-Every time I see a razor in the bathroom, or a knife in the kitchen, I get triggered. When I'm h-home alone, I eat with plastic cutlery and sometimes, I-I have to get changed in the dark so I don't have to see my own body." I murmured. "You m-might never fully trust yourself, but you've got this far and I know you're not r-really capable of hurting people."

He watched me longingly, his soft skin shadowed with darkness, "You're seriously amazing."

I smiled lightly, shuffling closer so I could press my cold lips against his, only for the briefest moment. "So, now we both see therapists." I mused audibly. "Th-That doesn't mean we're fucked up, right?"

Luca smirked endearingly, "It means we can recognise when we need help. I don't think that's fucked. Not really." He ruffled my hair. "I'm really glad I have you, Theo."

"Me too." I sighed contently.