one-shot collection [multi-fandom]

Nec Refert, Sed Reus Est Ei || Barlyle

When Charity Barnum went careening off the side of the apartment building where she lived, all fingers directly pointed to Phineas Taylor Barnum, more commonly known as P.T., her newlywed husband. Whether or not he was the one to send her flying is a matter that is still hotly up for debate, what felt like a lifetime later. P.T. was sick of the court dates, of the comings and goings of the press, but the one thing he was not sick of was the visitations from his rather attractive lawyer.

~0~

"What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?"

The silence that met Phineas' question was filled with an exasperated sigh from the other man in the room.

"Really, Phineas? Must we begin every meeting with another of these- these-"

The poor man could not find the word he was looking for, as he very well could never admit that he found the jokes amusing.

Ignoring the ire of the man opposite him, Phineas smirked. "Accountants know they're boring."

~0~

"What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?"

The cocky smirk on Phineas' face brought a confusing mix of feelings to Phillip Carlyle. He wasn't sure if he wanted to sock the man or turn tail and run back home. Instead, he responded as he usually did to his clients cruel attempts at humor - ignoring him and setting up his papers on the table between them.

"One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect."

~0~

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a God?"

The question from the usually stoic lawyer threw Phineas for a loop. He blinked owlishly up at the man.

"God doesn't think he's a lawyer."

Of course, Phineas could never allow Phillip to have the last word.

"I don't know about that kid, you seem pretty god-like to me."

~0~

"Why did God make snake just before lawyers?"

The resounding thud only made Phineas' grin all that much wider. If any one of the prison guards had taken a moment to look inside the room, they would have noticed Phillip's forehead firmly planted on the table in exhaustion - exhaustion from Phineas' unrelenting jibes.

Phineas was about to reveal the answer when he heard a muffled reply from the lawyer in question. Pausing, he leaned forward and poked the top of Phillips head.

"What was that kid?"

Slowly, Phillip lifted his head and leveled his client with a solid glare.

"To practice, you piece of shit. I spent four years in law school. You think any of your jokes are funny? That I haven't heard them before?"

Phineas' reply was cut off by the slamming of door behind the fuming lawyer.

~0~

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?"

The sound of Phineas' voice made Phillip's head snap up to meet his gaze. They had been in this meeting for near an hour and not once had the man even grunted in acknowledgement.

"The lawyer charges more."

The snort of laughter from the younger man surprised Phineas.

"You're damn right we do. We are argue and are hated for a living, you bet your wrinkly old ass that we're going to make the most of it."

Phineas' reply brought a blush to Phillip's face so profuse he looked as if he had eaten a fatalii pepper.

"How do you know my old ass is wrinkly. Enjoying the view?"

The lack of eye contact was answer more than enough.

"Did you take some Viagra before coming here?"

The question made Phillip pause at the door. Subconsciously, he shifted his briefcase in front of him, and glanced down, slight relief in his expression as he glanced back up to the irritating man.

Phineas almost didn't finish his joke, the slight head tilt Phillip made in confusion reminded him too much of a small dog.

Shaking his head, he decided to finish his, well joke would be too kind of a term.

"You just seem taller is all."

A deflated sigh came from the man at the door as he slowly closed the door before turning to face the seated man.

"Phineas. Why do you make these jokes? I get that it may be some form of defence or whatever, but it's been almost two years now. Why? Why the cruel jibes?"

The older man's jaw ticked in defiance. This is not how he expected this meeting to go.

Knowing he wasn't going to get a response, Phillip picked up his bag and left silently, barely glancing back at the sullen man behind him.

~0~

"Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?"

Phillip froze at the question. Slowly, he closed in eyes in hope that the question was only another joke.

"To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service."

Biting his lip, Phillip gathered his papers silently before standing and leaving.

The sneer on Phineas' face slipped as he caught a glimpse of a tear on the younger man's face as it slipped over his cheek. He had been enjoying the jokes. Hadn't he? Then why did it feel as he had swallowed a large vat of acid.

~0~

It was a long time before Phillip visited Phineas again. Visits used to be weekly, now, it was nearing two months since Phineas had seen Phillip. He had a court date set for tomorrow. It was supposed to be the final court date. Ever. There were no more trials, hearings, appeals, anything, after tomorrow. That meant that after tomorrow, Phineas might not ever need a lawyer again. That should be good. Right? However the feeling of acidic guilt eating away at his stomach had not disappeared over the last two months.

The sound of his cell door unlocking jerked him out of his thoughts.

Nothing surprised him more than seeing the black polished shoes belonging to his lawyer, except, perhaps, the first words out of his mouth.

"What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and my client on a motorcycle?"

A small smile snuck it's way onto Phineas' lips before he dropped his head in shame, every cruel joke that he had ever sprouted churning through his mind, eating away at him.

He felt the cot dip slightly as the younger man sat beside him.

"The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside."

Phineas chuckled. "I certainly deserve that don't I?"

"Oh I don't know about that..." Phillip drawled sarcastically.

"What are you doing here, kid?"

The corner of Phillip's mouth twitched, his ears reddening and he cleared his throat before he stammered, "Ah, I uh, I just needed to check to, uh, to make sure ev-everything is all ready to go for tomorrow. Even, uh, even you."

Phineas bit his bottom lip.

"Yeah, I'm ready to go, ready to get out of here."

Nodding, Phillip stood.

"See you on the other side?"