Call Me By Your Name( Editing )

Renjun

Disclaimer : This is the trigger warning chapter I kept warning you guys about.

So yeah you can skip through it no problem I'll quickly summarize it for you guys in the beginning of the next chapter.

Before we move ahead, I know most of you won't be able to relate to this one (And I'm really glad you don't) but this is really an important chapter for me that I've been delaying to write and it's going to be pretty raw and all over the place.

Warning : I'll be openly talking about depression, self harm and suicide. So yeah I know this story comes under the humor tag but this is a really serious topic and I somewhat want you guys to know that yes, this is real and people out there are suffering from it. It happens and it's okay to seek help.

Back to you Renjun.

.

I turn the audio recorder on and take couple of deep breaths.

Am I really doing this? Uhh there's no goin back huh.

"Welcome to my mind, or as I like to call it, my fucked up mental asylum.
This is Huang Renjun and I'll be recounting all the tragedies that went down over the last two years in my life."

I closed my eyes and let it all out.

"When we moved in with mum I thought like a fool that I was finally complete now. From the day I got to know about her, I dreamed of meeting her, spending time with her and even living with her."

"People always told me mums were these magical creatures that fixed everything. And I really thought that everything will be fixed now that we were going to live with her."

"But I was wrong. So fucking wrong on this one that I hate to admit it."

"I hated being home because the house was empty. I felt so isolated at school because I was labelled the new kid. I don't know why but I never really got to fit in with the others no matter how hard I tried... So i stopped trying eventually."

"I have had low self-esteem for like my entire life and keeping up with my classmates was really pushing it. Soon the self hate turned into something even nastier."

I cleared my throat trying to hold back tears that had started pouring down.

"I started cutting myself because I felt fucking worthless and pathetic. I thought I deserved the pain because I wasn't doing my best and kept messing shit up around me."

"The thing was. Dad never told me to get good grades nor did Amber or Mum. It wasn't the pressure to match their expectations for me... There were no expectations at all. I wanted to prove them that I was capable of something atleast. I wanted to tell myself that I'm not a failure."

"And I did my best to make them happy with what ever I had. I wasn't good at sports, I wasn't good at conversations or shit. "

"I kept on feeling this strange feeling that I had to pay them back or something. And the currency I had in my hand was those marks."

"It all came crashing down when I got so depressed I couldn't even move from my bed."

"I felt like I wasn't worthy of being their son, worthy of existing even. I had no goals, dreams or ambitions. I had no reason to live. It was never enough. I felt like no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough..."

"To be honest when Amber saw my self harm scars for the first time she gave me the worst reaction possible in the entire history of mankind. (I'm not exaggerating)

That disgusted look on her face made me lose my shit tbh. No lies could cover them up. There were parallel lines all over my wrist."

"She was shocked no doubt but she used the worse possible way to cover up her schock and lack of understanding. She joked about it."