The Insomniac Club | ✓

[03] - She Didn't Speak Alien

Julianna | Wren | other

"My lovely partner here has a very meaningful theory of what causes his insomnia. It really...it really made me emotional when he told me-- sorry, I'm tearing up."

"Its okay sweetie, take your time."

"He just...When he was fourteen when he found out he had thirteen toes."

"What the hell--"

"I know its an odd place to start in the story, but I know where I'm going with it."

"I'm going to kill you if you keep going on with this nonsense."

"What was that? I couldn't hear you."

"Go on."

"Anyways, after he found out he had thirteen toes, he started going through an identity crisis. He wondered who he really was. Should he accept himself as the guy with three extra toes or should he just ignore it? This subsequently led him into drag racing and prostitution."

"Oh wow."

"He stopped last year but he picked up stripping, and the long demanding hours of going up and down a pole started to get to him. The stress from that is what he believes causes is insomnia at night."

"What a...deep story...?"

"I know it is. I nearly just cried."

"Well, my partner has an even more emotional story. It brought endless tears to my eyes."

"Are you...crying?"

"Yes, just thinking about all you've been through truly sends me into being an emotional mess."

"Well go on. We'd love to hear it. We're a community here."

"You're going to regret saying all that."

"Try to come up with something better than that, pretty boy."

"Okay, my new friend is not who you think she is. Her words, not mine. She believes that the cause of her insomnia is the chronic pain throughout her body. Now, you may be wondering why she has this pain. What is the cause of it? Well, she believes that the cause of her pain is the precession of the Earth's axis. She believes that her parents are aliens, and they left her here on earth by accident when she was just a young baby. Because she is the offspring of aliens, precession has a strong effect on her body."

"What the hell?"

"I know, I know. This is where it gets emotional. Her parents...they came back for her last year. Just as her insomnia was getting better. She had been combating the effects of the earth's precession for months. Her parents found her and tried to talk to her but...but she didn't understand them. She d-didn't speak Alien."

"Its okay, breathe, no need to cry."

"He's lying!"

"You're just embarrassed, honey. You don't have to deny who you are."

"He's laughing!"

"I'm choking on my sobs of sorrow and pity, spaceling."

"You did not--"

"Her parents left her for good after they realized she didn't speak Alien. They took away her ability to combat the precession, so now she has no defense against her insomnia. Which is why she looks like a malnourished sloth."

"You did not just say that."

"Honesty is the best policy. Can I sit down now?"

"Sure. Take some tissues with you."

"I am going to kick you in your family jewels."

"I'd like to see you try, spaceling."