Secret Love Song - Harry Styles Series

Finding a Release - Part 45

You and Harry had been on your little getaway for a few days now. You were loving the peace and quiet, however, you still couldn't bring yourself to write anything. Whenever you sat down to write, you would just stare at the screen not sure of where to start. You had woken up before Harry and the sun was just beginning to rise. You put on some workout clothes and headed down the little path near the house you were staying in.

The problem with sitting down and writing is you didn't know where to even start. There were so many topics you could write about and they were all super personal, but you weren't sure which one you wanted to be open about first. When you got to the end of the trail, you sat down and overlooked the area of Scotland. It was really beautiful and you couldn't believe this was real.

Just like you couldn't believe that everything that happened in the last year or so was real. Meeting Harry and falling in love, then finding out your parents weren't as happy as they made it seem. And of course, there was quitting your job and starting to do freelance work, something you never thought you'd do.

But the icing on the cake that you were really harboring feelings about was finding out you most likely wouldn't be having your own children. It's not like you didn't like the option of adopting because honestly, you have always considered it because there are so many children out there that need love and a loving home.

On your walk, you had decided to bring a backpack with your notebook. You took it out and uncapped your pen. You weren't sure if it was the view or that you actually were looking deep inside of you to the point you were able to pinpoint where your feelings were lying. You took a deep breath and opened to the first empty page putting your pen to paper and writing until you couldn't write anymore.

**

It was a good twoish hours later by the time you made it back into the house. Harry was wide awake now and cooking up a breakfast in the kitchen.

"I hope you got my note," you said walking inside.

"I did," he nodded. "Although, I was a little upset waking up without you beside me."

"Sorry," you said. "I couldn't sleep, so I decided to go for a walk."

"I see you took something along," he said. "Was it productive?"

You smiled holding your notebook against your chest. "It was."

"I'm happy to hear that, love," he said.

You put your bag down on the table walking over to where he stood. You wrapped your arms around his waist holding him close to you. Harry turned around to face you and looked down at you.

"You've been crying," he whispered touching the red, puffy skin below your eyes.

"I'm okay," you reassured.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked.

"Not right now," you said. "In fact, after I eat, I think I might go and lay back down. I feel drained."

"Do whatever you need to do," he smiled. "That's what this trip is for."

"Thank you," you whispered looking up at him.

"You're welcome," he smiled. "Even though you don't need to thank me."

"Do you need any help with breakfast?" You asked.

"Actually, everything is almost finished, so if you just want to get us some drinks that's about it," he said.

You nodded going over to the fridge taking out some orange juice and pouring an equal amount into two glasses from the cabinet. You carrying the glasses over to the table, near the window, and Harry follows you shortly with two plates of food.

**

Once you were finished eating, you went back into the bedroom to lay down while Harry cleaned up and washed the dishes. When he was finished, he noticed your bag along with your notebook on top of the table. He knew it was an invasion of privacy for him to look through your notebook, but he found himself walking over and picking it up anyway.

Both you and Harry had an amazing amount of trust in your relationship. You didn't keep much of anything to yourselves and even in regards to your cell phones, either one of you would answer the others if need be. However, there were still some aspects of your relationship that you two kept private until you were ready to tell the other.

Journals and notebooks were part of that aspect. Harry knew he shouldn't open it and read what you had written. He knew that even if he read it, if there was anything about him or your feelings for him and he asked you about it, then you would know he went behind your back and read it.

Except for none of that matter because Harry found himself taking the notebook out to the deck and opened it up to the marked page.

"Ever since I was a little girl, I remember playing with dolls and other little kids in the neighborhood. Sometimes I would pretend I was a teacher in front of my students or that I was a Mum with lots of kids. Because of that, I guess one might say I've always had this motherly instinct and dreamed of having children one day.

Of course, up until recently, I didn't really plan on having children until my late twenties, early thirties or whenever I met the right person and got married. Quite frankly, the thought of having kids hadn't even crossed my mind until recently.

When I found out I couldn't have children of my own.

You see, I found out I have endometriosis and because of that getting pregnant and carrying a baby to full term is almost impossible. Not entirely impossible, but the chances are very slim. Hearing news like that is not only overwhelming but heartbreaking.

Now, I know there are other options out there, so it's not like I won't ever be able to be a mother. But it's not just about being a mother, it's missing out on the full experience.

The finding out I'm pregnant and announcing it to everyone. Going to doctor's appointments and seeing and hearing my baby for the first time. Finding out the sex of the baby and going shopping. Decorating a nursery. Going to Lamaze classes. Pushing my baby out and holding them for the first time.

But most of all, I'm afraid of missing out on having a baby that is a mix of both myself and the love of my life, Harry. I want to be able to wonder which of us, they'd look like the most. If they'd have the color of my eyes with his nose and smile. Or his hair color and our matching curls.

However, the worst part and most heartbreaking of not being able to have my own children are that Harry won't be able to either. Unless... unless he's not with me. I feel horrible because I didn't get to make the choice on not being able to have my own, but by being with him, that choice is made for him.

I'm preventing him from having the experience of having a little boy who looks just like him or a little girl that shares his same features. I feel selfish about it all.

I tried to let him go, but he didn't want that. He says he's all about being with me now and that it's okay, but I still, have this underlying fear that he'll eventually realize this isn't what he wants. That I'm not what he wants.

A part of me wishes I never interviewed him that day because then we never would have met and we would never have fallen in love. If none of that ever happened, then he'd be with someone who wasn't broken and who could actually give him everything he ever wanted.

Everything that I can't."

Harry couldn't bring himself to read anymore because his vision was clouded by tears. He had no idea you felt that way. He knew you still were having a hard time with everything, but he didn't know it was that bad. He instantly regretted reading this because it was a lot more personal than he ever thought it would have been.

But he also was happy to read it because he now knew why you having trouble sleeping and working. You had much more than he believed building up inside you and he hoped this trip would help you find a release and you would be able to breathe again.