Voltron Shitpost Oneshots

Desert Life

Lance liked to learn about his fellow paladins. He often asked them random questions about their life on earth. He thought of himself as a friendly interviewer, but everyone else thought he was nosy. He did, however, have a partner in crime. Pidge was interested in blackmail and Lance's sense of curiosity helped her with that.

The two were hanging out in the lounge area. Pidge was on her laptop and Lance was laying upside down and tossing a ball in the air and catching it. The detective duo had no one to investigate at the moment.

"Pidge," Lance said trying to get the green paladin's attention.

"Yes?" Pidge answered as she typed away on her laptop.

"What do you think Keith's life was like?" Lance asked curiously as he tossed his ball up.

"The emo yeehaw probably sat around and listened to Cotton Eye Joe on repeat," Pidge answered nonchalantly as she continued to type.

"What the hell?" Lance asked as he laughed hysterically at the young girl's comment.

"Knowing that dumbass he probably did," Pidge muttered. Lance laughed even harder, so hard he ended up falling off the couch.

"Bitch!" Lance yelled angrily at no one in particular.

"Ha! Fucking klutz," Pidge said smugly.

"Yes, very funny," Lance said and rolled his eyes.

"It was," Pidge stated. "That's why I said 'ha!'"

"Do you want to sit here and make fun of me, or interview our angsty friend?" Lance asked impatiently as he stood up. Pidge shut her laptop and hopped off the couch.

"Let's catch ourselves a cowboy," Pidge said wickedly. Lance smirked at her mischievously.

"Then let's mosey on pardner," Lance replied in a southern accent. Pidge rolled her eyes and started to walk away. Lance shouted after her while he caught up. "HEY! THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!"

The two paladins searched the entire castle for Keith, but he didn't seem to be in his usual spots, not even the training room.

"Where is that guy?" Lance asked. "He usually stays in the same three places!"

"He could be in the kitchen?" Pidge suggested.

"Then let's go check," Lance said.

They walked to the kitchen and as usual, Pidge was right. Keith was grabbing the milk out of the fridge.

"Hey Keith," Lance said, greeting the red paladin.

"Hi?" Keith replied suspiciously. He walked over to a bowl on the counter full of cereal.

"What's with that tone?" Lance asked innocently.

"You never talk to me unless you need something," Keith said. Pidge snickered. "And she's with you, so I'm assuming your here to interrogate me."

"Smart cookie," Pidge stated with an amused tone.

"Okay fine," Lance admitted. "We just want to ask a few questions."

Keith didn't reply right away. He poured the milk into his cereal and went to put it back. He ate a spoonful of it. After he had an empty mouth once again, he spoke.

"Fine, but only because I want you to leave me alone."

Pidge and Lance high-fived. Keith rolled his eyes and ate another spoonful of his cereal.

"Okay Keith," Lance began, "first question. Where did you live?"

"A small house in the middle of the desert," Keith answered with his mouth full.