Words I'd Never Say

I want to sleep but all i can think about is you

   I suppose I should clarify. You takes on multiple identities, multiple people who have done or said things that I almost let go until the silence consumes me.

   You could be my iffy best friend, who once voted me for always in second place in the voting game as a jab because she's "better" than me. I laughed it off until I wished she was wrong.

   You could be the person I saw myself with, but hurt me like I've done to countless others. The friendzone sucks apparently🤷‍♀️ I hadn't known... I brushed it off and agreed, but you left me with electricity that used to bring me to the clouds, but feels like the chair.

   You could be anyone who has said something to me, like someone who once told me I had been preventing them from being popular because I was the weird monster who should have never been born. I wasn't then, but... bad decisions come so easy to me now.

   Or maybe you were an ex boyfriend that put me down until I couldn't think without hearing you inside of my head long after you left. I found your prized ring and burns through me from the box of memories under my bed, like shadows of monsters that linger in my mind. I was ice; and still, you burned me.

   Maybe you had not even known what you were doing. My mother told me recently that the house I grew up in ruined her life, that my father had done the same. Maybe I did too, but she's too nice to say it. But i love her too much to see her the way she's been.

I can't breathe anymore. It's like the tireless effort I put in to other people is slowly pushing me further into my own grave. Or maybe, like the Giving Tree, I give my whole life to others and hope for the best. If so, remember me.

The clock waits for no one