Metanoia

"Everything And Nothing"

Merlin

I remembered. Every thought, every memory once forgotten had finally torn through my barrier. The thoughts were smooth as silk. They were guiding me through the life I had once lived. Everything had begun to become a surreal experience.
As if reading my mind, suddenly I felt a soft wave of air cascade down my back, as I soon turned, seeing him.
"You haven't eaten your food," Arthur noted, giving a woeful stare to the uneaten objects on my plate. Turning, my eyes glanced to my breakfast before settling on his face.
"I'm not hungry."
Arthur sighed. "How many meals have you skipped these past days?" He crossed his arms with defiance. "I'm starting to believe you're becoming delusional."
I didn't answer, just gazed at the man in front of me. It's funny what your mind could do to you when you're falling apart. Lips parting, my intent stare softened, as I slowly made my way over to Arthur, head lowered. A small smile etched onto his face, as he held out his arms for me to collapse into.
Just one touch is all it took.
Just one touch is when everything broke apart.
Like a candle, Arthur's figure wisped away in a cloud of light, as I was once again faced with the harsh darkness of reality. Dropping my hands to their sides, my stare managed to stay ahead, looking at everything and nothing.

________________

Food was preserved. Sleep was normal. It was constant. Undeniable. My thoughts were cascading into the abyss of darkness—covered with remorse. Regret was the one word that was prominent past all thoughts. Every time his name would slip across someone's tongue, my eyes darkened. Memories would be reflected frequently, dragging me to a utopia where everything was spread with hope and felicity. Others would speak my name in hope that I would soon return to them.
"It's just the mourning," one would say. "He will recover."
They were wrong. These were all false accusations. There's no possibility that I could achieve the restoration of everything I had formerly experienced.
"There is a price to the Fallen King's death," King Keres's words spoke to my mind. They were in a taunting tone. He had wanted me to take this path.
"I'm not like you."
"We shall see."
Was I willing to give in? He would've never had wanted this. My mind sought for a definite answer. Like Selma, the thoughts of mine were swimming in a puddle on an unbalanced scale. Maybe Keres was right. I was willing to take the possible risk required to achieve what was once mine.
"Milord," a voice suddenly called me back to the present. Brows laced, I tilted my head up, gazing at the man in front of me. I didn't speak, just faintly nodded for him to continue.
"What are we to do with..." His lips pursed, as an expression of pity complimented his face. "The body?"
I kept my gaze steady. "I will think of something." But deep inside, my mind was already made up. I knew what I had to do in order to bring myself peace—happiness—once again.
"It will surely decompose soon, though, Sire."
A moment of silence passed through the tense air, as I then leaned back, letting a sigh blow from my lips as I rubbed the bridge of my nose with irritance. "I know, and I told you already; I will think of something." After seeing the man give a stern nod in return, my body raised from my chair, as my feet began guiding me to the door. "Council dismissed."

__________________

Readjusting my cape, the warmth was tightly encased against my skin, as I felt myself give a shiver from the cold. Winter was nearing. My ears twitched, as eyes then gazed up to meet the scene of a flock of geese passing through the cold breeze. The passive creatures were devoid of contemplative thoughts. Free to roam the foreign lands without any laws keeping them in.
Free.
That was a word I had been constantly craving. Along with happiness. But the Gods would never give me anything I would want. Selfish of me, I know; but for a cause—a specific reason I need these things in my life. They would keep me moving. Taking steps forward in life. Would it be terrible to have something I crave? Why do others obtain things I will never achieve?
Gazing ahead, my eyes soon fell on the victim. The man hadn't had the potential fate coming, but my mind realized that sacrifices have to be made in order to move forward. Was the foreigner willing to be a selfless man and give me felicity in return for him? I sighed. Questions had been making an entrance through my mind lately. I internally chuckled with a woeful expression. I guess he was to blame.
"I was the cause to your death," Arthur suddenly spoke beside me, eyes facing me instead of the stranger to my sight.
"I'm not dead, Arthur," I spoke softly in reply, gaze hardening, continuing to stare ahead to see the foreigner's path of travel.
Arthur picked at his fingers, peeling a shred of dead skin from the cuticle. He then sighed, letting orbs of azure look at the victim. "This isn't the right thing to do, Merlin." A glance to me is all it took to suppress a sob. "You know I would never forgive you for it."
I huffed in frustration. "That's why I'm not telling you." My voice choked on the words, surprised by my own actions. He wasn't real. He was not apart of reality. "You're not real," I mumbled after a pause of silence, afraid if speaking any louder would give my voice a rasp. "Go away."
"Now you want me gone?" Arthur questioned in reply. I rolled my eyes, waving my hand at his figure, watching as he washed away in Belenus's light.
It was hard.
It was incredibly hard thinking something as a reality when you're aware they're not tangible. Straining my eyes forward, I watched silently as the man began to tread towards the stream. On occasion he would travel here for search of fresh water. I could relate to the scenario. Although the water I often drank was clean of most bacteria, I was well aware of the substances that fled through the liquid in the town's water supply.
Giving a quick, prominent swallow, I unsheathed a dagger from my belt, quietly placing it against the sun's rays to detect the sharpness of the weapon. The foreigner was now stooped down to face the soft ripples of the stream, the shiny surface of the liquid casting an undulation of the man and the forest above his figure. Of all the days of the year, the trees today decided to drop delicate, decaying leaves to the ground. The hues were what often struck glee to the people the most, though. The assortment of warm palettes flew about, as the grass on the ground began to grow stiff.
The sight was utterly beautiful. But I wasn't sure if the crimson was a good addition to it or not.
Striking the blade was simple.
Suppressing my emotions wasn't.
A startled cry blew from the man's lips in obvious distress once the deed was finally done. His eyes then met mine. A simple, innocent shade of brown. The sight practically made my knees buckle. The man hadn't deserved this. He had a family, I had earlier detected. He has a wife—two children. My mind yelped, demanding for release.
But it was too late.
By the time I had regret flood through my system, the blade was already impaled into the soft flesh of the foreigner in front of me. Dropping the weapon from my grip, I stumbled away, my mind currently in a haze that I couldn't part from. I wanted to look away, but I felt my eyes avoiding to depart from the sight in front of me. The man choked, a single tear dripping down his face. He wasn't ready to leave this sick world, no matter how terrible his life may be. The life of his was to be fulfilled. But it wasn't completed. But maybe this was apart of his destiny.
To die by my hand.
I couldn't think of the word murderer without feeling the need to subdue a whimper or groan of shame. The act had been pitiful on my part. I was a selfish creature that wanted something everyone else had wanted.
"You shouldn't have done that," came Arthur's voice beside me, a mixed gaze present in his features. Guilt? Commiseration? It was undefinable.
"I did it for you," I replied as emotionless as possible. It was hard. Really hard. To lie to my lover's face without feeling culpability.
Arthur layed a tender finger on the blade plunged into the now dead man's heart. Stroking the pad of his thumb against the texture, his gaze hardened. "Was it worth it? To kill an innocent to claim felicity once again?"
"Stop," I retorted quickly, taking a step forward to wave him away. "You're a part of my imagination I've learned to ignore."
"Yet you're still talking to me." Arthur turned just to see me place a hand through him. He stared at me, a woeful expression present. "You're broken, Merlin."
"I know," I choked, practically spitting the words out to him, "and you're going to fix me."
He took a step forward, watching as my hand dragged through the dissipating light of him. "What if I can't?"
Gulping, I looked him in the eye, feeling myself go numb. "Then you will go again. And this time I will be going with you."

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to my friend olivia_kpop . Even though she may not read this or see this for a matter of fact, she's always there to support me and cheer me up when I'm at my lowest; so thank you Olivia. I'm so glad I met you in my life.