All Along

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

I waited a couple minutes before getting out of the pool. I dried most of myself off and pulled the pair of light wash shorts over my still damp bathing suit bottom. I pulled the zip up hoodie up and nervously went to find Harry. The almost kiss was replaying in my head like a damn movie stuck on replay. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I still felt so terrible. After all it was me who led him on.

I knocked twice on the door and slowly opened the door. His lights were turned off but his desk light illuminated Harry sitting on the edge of his bed facing out the window. His hair was still wet and his shirt was sticking to his chest in random places.

“Harry?” I spoke in a voice that came out in an odd sound that sounded completely differently than mine.

‘Not now Ellie.”

“But- Harry I think we need to-

“I said not now.” He said more firmly, still not looking at me.

“Come on, please. We’re best friends, we can’t-

“That’s just it Ellie! Don’t you understand that?” He turned around and his eyes were dark, angry.

“Don’t understand what?” I asked very low, suddenly afraid of what he might do. I mean, I knew he would never lay a hand on me but seeing him this mad made me extremely nervous. Harry very rarely got angry. Cranky yes but furious, no.

“That I don’t just want to be your best friend.”

I stayed silent, processing his words.

“Not anymore.” He added.

What did he mean he didn’t want to be my friend anymore? How could he do this, I kept thinking. Just throw this all at me and expect to say what exactly in return? To say that I feel the same way? Because I don’t know what the hell I feel anymore.

I was going to kiss him, I know that. I was ready for him to do it and then Liam happened. I am not over Liam and I don’t think I ever will be.

“Are you even listening to me?”

Surprisingly, I found a voice that sounded a little more like mine. “Of course I’m listening to you Harry.”

“Well then could you please say something?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to say you feel the same way. I want you to say that you like more than just that little kid that used to follow you around, that little boy that you grew up with. I want you to want me as much as I want you. I want you to finally return all the feelings after all these years. I want you to say you want to be with me. I want this all back.”

He took a step forward.

“I want all of these years to be for something. I want to be able to hold your hand and just hold you whenever you I want to. Because I can’t do that now and it’s killing me.”

He took another step.

“It’s killing me not to make you mine. Because that’s all I’ve wanted Ellie. For years and years I’ve been watching you be completely unaware of me. You didn’t see me at all. Not like I saw you.”

Another step. He looked at the ground and took a breath.

“But you saw Liam. From the moment I introduced you guys, I saw it. You only had eyes for him. Whenever he said anything, you’d pay attention like you paid attention to no one else. My god, every time he said your name you lit up. I had to fight for your attention and it crushed me when you guys got together. It freaking crushed me Ellie.”

I can’t believe he’s telling me all of this. I don’t know to say, how to respond. It’s like someone came and snatched away any ability to speak.

He took a couple more steps until he was directly in front of me. His hair was starting to dry and his eyes were dull. But there was still something there, a small piece of hope. “Can I ask you something Ellie?” he whispered.

I nodded, still unable to find any ability to talk.

“Did I stand a chance?”

“What?” My voice cracked.

“Against Liam. Would you ever have even considered me?”

“Harry, please don’t…” I pleaded.

“Would you have picked me over him?”

“This isn’t fair.”

“Answer me. Do I even stand a chance now?”

He kept his eyes on me, waiting for respond. I could already feel the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes, knowing that I was going to break him.

“I am so sorry Harry.”

I tried to pull my arms around him but he just pushed my hands away gently.

“No, I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?  Harry please don’t do this.”

“I didn’t do anything. The only thing I did was lay myself out for you and you didn’t want anything with me so that’s it.”

“But I do! Harry I want you!” I cried.

“Not like I want you.”

“But, please.”

“Now I’m the one who’s sorry. Just go already.” He said turning around.

“No I can’t.” I sobbed.

“Leave. I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to see you.  I don’t want anything to do with you anymore.”

“Harry you can’t!”

“Leave Ellie. JUST LEAVE ALREADY.”

“Fine! If that’s what you want!” I yelled.

“It’s just want I want.” He said matter-of-factly.

I stormed out of the door, slamming the door behind me. I grabbed my stuff, fuming, not even realizing yet that I had just lost my best friend.