All Along

Chapter Four

Chapter Four

Two days have passed since it all and today is the funeral. I’m supposed to talk today. I don’t even understand why. The boys are saying a few words and his mom asked me to say something as well. I don’t know what to say or how to start for that matter.

I walk into my small room. There really isn’t much in it. Just a small twin bed with an ivory duvet cover, a dark wooden dresser and the matching desk with a chair. The desk has all the schoolwork I haven’t touched, a laptop, a couple books and a cup full of pens. On the dresser lies a picture with my aunt when I was little, maybe about four years old. Then in a delicate silver frame with little yellow gems around the border, a picture with the boys.

I remember when we took this, although I forgot who actually snapped it. It was at Niall’s birthday barbeque last year. He demanded we celebrated his day with an endless barbeque with tons of delicious food so that’s what we did. In the picture, we're sitting on a wooden bench outside. Harry was on one side sitting on the arm of the bench looking at the rest of us, looking particularly cheeky. Zayn was next to him with Niall hysterically laughing and half on top of him. Niall’s legs were on my lap and Zayn had one arm casually around my shoulders. I sat there with an enormous smile pointing a finger at Louis who was on the other side of me grinning, mirroring me. Then on the other arm of the bench sat Liam, all relaxed. The only one actually looking at the camera, smiling that beautiful smile.

God, I missed that smile so much. Those warm brown eyes and open personality. I missed him. Ever since the accident I feel like I’ve been going through the motions. I haven’t cried or done anything that would indicate he was gone. I watched the television silently, being very careful to stay off the news. I’ve cleaned the house about twice, and kept the radio off. I’ve just been avoiding anything that would remind me of him. The only thing I haven’t done is slept. Not more than a few hours.

But putting on that very simple black dress that reached just above the knees and black flats was making it all real. I tried pulling up the zipper but I couldn’t. It was stuck. I kept on tugging on it but it wouldn’t budge. I was getting so frustrated. Why was this happening to me? Why was Liam gone? Why did he leave me? I slowly slumped to bathroom floor and started to cry my first tears since he died. I cried and I cried, feeling my mascara run down my face. I had put it on hoping it would make me look awake.

“Why Liam?” I said out loud through my sobs.

My doorbell rang and I looked at the clock, 1:30. It was so likely for Harry to be punctual.

“Great.” I mumbled as I looked in the mirror. I was a mess and nowhere near ready. I tried whipping some of the mascara off my face but it only made it smudge more. This just made me cry more. Stop, I kept telling myself. I can’t let anyone see me like this. Not Harry, not anybody.

I was able to take most of it off and tried my best to hide it as I walked to the door.

When I opened the door, Harry was looking away. He was wearing a black button down dress shirt with black pants and shoes.

He turned and looked at me. “Ellie…”.

“I’m sorry I’m not ready, I’ll only be-“

“Ellie, why do you have to do that?” he cut me off.

“Do what?”

“Pretend you’re okay, because you’re not. I know you aren’t. And you can talk to me, about anything.”

He could really see right through me. I frowned, embarrassed and feeling vulnerable. I felt exposed. I didn’t want him to see me like this.

But suddenly it didn’t matter anymore. “I can’t hold it in anymore.” I whispered as tears fell down my cheeks.