In Time

-Twenty Three-

11 April 2017, Tuesday

------

"X...X! You're h...here!" Beverly looked up from her stand upon seeing me enter the rehearsal room.

I nodded, settled down, set up my shoulder stand, rosined my bow and tuned my strings. Having done these over thousands of times, it had already become a routine for me. Mechanical. Robotic. Emotionless. I was probably doing it wrong; I was sure that Dad would never feel this way while setting up his violin for practice.

"Xavier, will y-you be auditioning for t-the Saint-Saens I-Intro and Rondo Capriccioso solo?"

I never bothered to audition in the past timelines because I thought that I wouldn't get the part anyway. I used to be a passive player in 1st violin; I had always thought that I never contributed significantly to the section's sound, as though my presence was simply to make up the numbers, to give the audience a false visual impression of a full-sounding section. I used to just play the notes, follow the score religiously, nailing the technical bits with no inputs of expression on my end.

But I realised that I didn't want to live like that anymore. Or at least Dad wouldn't want for me to live like that. He wouldn't have wanted me to hide away in obscurity, letting my own self-doubt hold me back from growing. He would have wanted me to live in the moment, to seize opportunities, to take risks. I had to become the violinist that I couldn't be while Dad was still alive.

"Yes, I'll be giving it a shot," I accepted the fact as I said it. "Beverly, you should go for it too."

She smiled sheepishly, a blush flitting across her rosy cheeks. "I-It's okay, I probably wouldn't get in anyway. I'm just glad that y...you'd be auditioning. Alright, you s-should be practising, I won't be disturbing you," she turned back to her stand.

As I was in the midst of practising one of those running passages, the door swung open suddenly and Victoria came storming in. She must have figured out that I was going to audition for the solo part from the passage that I was playing because her expression changed from a condescending bored look to a furious one in a matter of seconds. I almost could see Beverly cowering in fear beside me.

"Aren't the both of you supposed to be practising scales in two octaves in semiquavers at 132 as I'd instructed? Well Xavier, are you thinking of auditioning for the solo?" Victoria stood beside me, pretending to study the Intro and Rondo Capriccioso score on my stand in great detail.

"Yes," I replied.

It felt good. I was tired of her tyranny and dictatorship after so long. I was a rebel, angry and ready to challenge her.

"Why don't you play just the beginning for me? I may be able to offer you some tips, seeing that I'm auditioning for the part too. Wouldn't want you to embarrass yourself in front of our conductor completely, wouldn't I?" she dripped sarcastically.

I picked up my bow and played through the first section. I did vibrato on the long notes and maintained a feeling of forward movement on the moving notes. I was seeing red-orange leaves falling from an autumn tree. A mix of tranquillity and melancholy. Very much like when you heard a piece and struggled to categorise it under 'happy' or 'sad'.

"Stop, stop, stop!" Victoria shouted, slamming her pencil on my music stand. "You're doing too much rubato, your tempo is extremely inconsistent and off-throwing! And your moving notes are too sloppy! Don't even get me started on your intonation!" she scowled. "Let me offer you a word of advice, if you wish to save that little bit of face that you have, forget about the audition. You'll never get in at this rate."