Why Don't I Write You A Poem

Trauma

They say I have them, but show me where they are.
I've spent all my time alone letting myself fall apart.
They tell me they are here for me but disappear just like that.
So who do I have? Myself? Well where am I at?
I can never find myself because I get lost in the what ifs.
My life is a cycle stuck on repeat.
On repeat.
Repeat.

I'm always in the same spot but no one ever sees me.
Guys, I'm right here!
You say you like my company but can't find the time to see that through.
You say I'm worth it, I don't deserve it, but I live my life in vain.
So what's the point? Do I find someone else?
I'm a shark swimming with fish, they all run from me.
Come back, I'm just as scared as you are.
Just trying to survive but I'm starved from happiness.
You say let's feast then hand me cardboard cutouts of love.
I just imagine they are real but I'm starved.
I can't keep feeding on broken promises and absent hugs.
They say go get it yourself but where the hell do I find comfort in anything when everything I've grown to love hurts me.
Now I'm bleeding.
They say stop doing that while handing me the blade.
Just stop.
Stop.

There's my comfort, the blood that runs down my skin.
The sharp pain of each slice.
They say that's bad.
They say stop.
I can't.
It's the only thing I can trust not to leave me.
They say they are there for me but leave when I ask.
Where the hell are you?
I'm empty, they say they can fill that void.
They fill me with lava and poison when I ask for encouragement and love.
Their love hurts.
It hurts.
So where do I go?
Back to where i find my comfort.
The only comfort I've ever known.
Pain.