Why Don't I Write You A Poem

Spare A Maybe

Stomach empty
Mind is full
Wish I felt something
Still so dull

Maybe if I breathe a little different something will finally change.
Maybe if I believe in someone different I won't be mocked,
I feel deranged.

Liar!
That's what they always said to me.
You're a liar!
I'm blind so tell me what you see.
I'm so tired!
Your bullshit actually makes sense.
Not what I desire!
But I put up with it with no defense.

I've strayed around the world in search of a purpose, a reason, a difference.
I've wandered empty roads, saw nothing.
I saw nothing but emptiness!
But still I'm always told

Maybe if I breathe a little different something will finally change!
Maybe if I believe in someone different I won't be mocked, I'm so deranged!
I follow this rhythm, the beat repeated, so simple.
I'm tired and worn down, so crippled!
Walked so far to get away from what I wasn't afraid of just to maybe feel something!
But I'm numb, I'm so numb.

Maybe if a looked a little different, didn't look like a hobo,
Maybe if I acted different I wouldn't be called a homo!
Maybe if something changed I would be treated different,
One day, but if I don't open my eyes right now
I will not find my way!

Hollow out my sorry bones, use the marrow for food like lions.
I've wasted my options, dried up, done tryin!
Winter has froze me up like a freezer.
She held me so close but I just had to leave her.
Why?

Why?
I've been so damn blind.
Wanted to make a change but couldn't open my eyes.
I look different, frail and lifeless.
I act so different, I'm such a mess.

I tell a kid off for looking at me, just a glance.
I've lost my sense of balance, poor stance.
Posture has worsened, my back is aching.
Everything I own is out for the taking.
I don't look my friends or family in the eye.
They make up excuses for me
"He's not a bad guy!"
Why don't you tell them?
Tell the people from before?
You give and give to me but I'm still left taking more!
My skin hugs my bones,
My landlord won't leave me alone.
Can't pay bills for shit,
Can't get out of bed and work to pay for it.
The bags under my eyes underline my exhaustion, I can't lie.
I'm so tired, so weak, so empty.
I could cry out and watch the world move on without me!

So what's my excuse?
What made me fall apart so hard?
Maybe if I wasn't focused on the maybes the clerk wouldn't reject my card!
I've bullied myself into a whole hole dug solely for my poorly kept soul, I'm soiled!
I would step back and take a breath if I fucking could!
I would eat more then the crumbs like I should!
But I can't!
I'm starving but I've starved myself to the point I can't feel it!
Do you know what it's like to have no feeling?
I've dropped every happy mask I used to display!
Nobody to run to now,
No one to hold me now,
I'm all alone in this hole right now, so what do I do?
I get out!
I fight my way through the streets! Fight my way to my parents house and beg for some time to speak!
Fight my ass over to a new job and save up!
You think people would feel sorry?
They don't give a fuck!

Maybe if I looked different I wouldn't feel strange.
Maybe if I acted different I wouldn't feel deranged.
Maybe if I was different something would've changed.
Maybe if there was no maybe I'd find a reason to stay.

Bullet holes, blood splatters, cold hands.
Unspoken words, broken hearts, loose strands.
Untied laces, crying faces, it's all grey.
Wish I never told them all to stay away.

Wish I never had acted out this way.
Wish I never took my own life today.
Wish I never searched the maybes so I could stay.
Wish I never closed my eyes, I had words to say.