Why Don't I Write You A Poem

Delusional

I'm breathing heavy like a panting dog.
Acted like I knew the bullshit all along.
Like I knew you'd act the way you do.
Pretending I had someone to reach out to.

But now I'm panicking, my anxiety is heavy.
I call for you, I'm holding on but just barely .
My tears are streaming,
I'm pleading, for a release for what I'm feeling,
But I'm cursed.
It was a mistake to reach out to you first .
My head hurts, my breath is running short.
I lay down, but I'm just getting worse.

Hold my hand, darling, pray for me dearly.
I'm begging for anyone out there just to hear me.
I'm all alone, the darkness consuming.
My anxiety scrambled my thoughts, I'm always assuming.
You ignore it, ignore me, like a coward.
I'm wondering why I've made you so empowered.
You hold my heart, play my emotions like a puppet show.
You break my heart, acting like you didn't know.
That I felt that way, that I cared enough to hurt.
My heads collasping, I'm relapsing, unable to control what I'm feeling inside.
You ride my thoughts like a rollercoaster ride.
Maybe this is hell, maybe this is worse.
Maybe I've made my own definition of this hellish curse.

So hold my hand, you don't have to be afraid.
Hold me close, I might take my own life away.
I've spent my nights numb, so take my life today.
I wish I wasn't sober.
If I was over it I wouldn't've given a shit.
You know this! You know what you do to me.
I ache all over from working so hard, you see.
I'm a train wreck, a mess, not in denial.
But to be honest I haven't felt this way in a while.

So mean!
Or maybe that's just me.
My brain makes up excuses so don't you leave me be.
Go away, but please stay,
I don't need you, but there's gotta be a way,
To support me through this distorted image of my day dream.
It's not peaceful it's dull and it's frightening.
Fuck, I wish I was numb, but I feel everything.
Isn't it amazing how fast my mood passed? I'm ok!
I'm really not, but these little lies are all I got in this moment.
I'd ask for help, hell, I sure have tried.
But it always ends up with 1000 ways that I could've died.
Delusional. Messed up. Crazy.
Teary eyes, broken smile, maybe,
I can't take this!
I'm so anxious!
I can't sleep!
6 days, it's been 6 days,
No, six weeks!

I'm allergic to comfort, I push everyone away without second thought.
I'm oblivious to all the lessons in life that I was never taught.
It's colder, please hold her, she's erasing,
The memories of her perfect dreams, she's not chasing.
Her happiness, it's gone, she doesn't care.
Look into her eyes you can see her cold stare.
You've lost her, you know you made a mistake.
Should've kept all those promises that you would make.