Bria's Confession Session

Confession #4

How will I ever get over this feeling? I treat it as though its nonchalant, but how can it be, when I nearly choke on my breath every time she smiles.

It's like when I'm around her I force myself not to be weird or endearing. Or to not compliment her to much. Cause then she's gonna feel like everything has changed. And I never wanna make her feel like she can't talk to me or depend on me.

You see? I'm kinda stuck here. It's like the pain of not getting what I want, hurts way worst then the pain of someone else getting what I want. Like jealousy doesn't exist when your heart is submerged in pain.

But for real I would say we're in a love square, but I would be lying if I truly meant that. Because first it's me, her, then the one dude she's currently talking to, and then her ex.

Like come on...that's way to unrealistic for me. If anything it's a love triangle. I'm on the outside looking in. I'm not apart of the back and forth. And that was the conclusion that hurt the most.

Cause really I feel like my feelings are understood, but not considered. I don't blame her. I blame me for hurting myself like this. It never works out the way I want it to. Nobody ever wants Bria. And that's fine.

I've always been that girl who watched their 'crush' get with someone else. Like me telling them 'I like you' would differ their choices. Like hello? I'm fucking irrelevant.

And no, I'm not in my feelings. Just explaining the way life's always dealt me the shitty cards.
I feel like I've been playing a bad UNO game for months.

And another part about this feeling that I despise, is I want to not feel for her. I want to be able to ignore her and when she ignores me I want to not care. It's really as simple as I put it. But its as hard as it seems.

There are down sides to loving people. My cons are, I would literally give her anything she asked for and not hesitate. I would love her even if she didn't reciprocate it. I would be there even if she didn't want me to be.

I'm as loyal as a dog. I would probably be her lap dog if she asked. Sad huh? But it's really not. I would do all of this over and over and over again because my love for her is that strong.

I love her so much I'm willing to idly stand by and watch her fall in love with someone else. I just want her to be happy. To know her worth. To believe she's beautiful. For someone to constantly remind her of that. And for her to believe it herself.

I feel like I'm never gonna be happy. I feel like I'm never gonna see the happiness others share. I feel like I'm never gonna get that dysfunctional relationship that we all know isn't gonna work, but is still worth it.

Cause people always end up leaving me. Others have been loved. Other have fallen in love and had that other person right there with them, as they both fell deep. I've never had that. And I probably won't get it.

I'm lost. It sucks because I don't know how to be found.

I'm not in my feelings, once again. It's just easy to see all the things you don't have when everyone else has a chance at happiness, and your stuck looking dumb as fuck.