Bria's Confession Session

Confession #5

'If I disappeared, would you really be hurt?'

'Would you find someone better? Worth more than me on this earth

'If I went to sleep forever in the dirt'

'Would it even matter, hard to fathom, but it might just work'

I was thinking today. My thoughts went deep. My mind reached an abyss so far and deeply expanded. I've always thought this. But I've never said it.

What would happen if I wasn't here?

I think people would go on with their lives and forget I ever existed over time. It's a fading reality we live in. Every thing fades with time. Well if I wasn't here, unfortunately that would mean my time has maxed out.

Tragically, I don't know if it's worth it. Like it's a dull pain...but it's still there. It's prodding and probing. It's constant, never ending. If I wasn't here the pain of love wouldn't even exist.

Nobody ever told me loving someone would be this hard. Everyone says love is great and magical once you've found the right one.

Well they fucking lied.

I've only ever experienced the kind of love where they don't want me. My dad doesn't want me, she doesn't want me, I don't even want me. It's tough, real tough. But I just can't let go of this feeling.

Seeing her face makes me happy. Talking to her makes me happy. Anything revolving her, makes me happy. That's how I knew this love won't go away easily. I just...don't know what to do. I feel trapped. I feel depressed. And most of all, my heart feels numb.

But the dumbest thing I've realized about myself is, I don't want to love anyone else. She's everything I want when I look for a person.

She has the looks regardless of what she thinks. She has this soft, unapproachable look. She looks like she could be a angel. Someone to walk on.

But really she's strong. She's seen some dark times and has made it to tell the story. She's just what I look for, when I look for a girl. But none of them ever measure up.

It's easy to write my feelings down. Explain how I love. But it's hard to say it to her face, when all the things I'm telling her is the truth and she thinks I'm bullshitting. Like I wish I could show her all the love I have. But I'm not worth it. I know I'm not.

I don't want pity. Just understanding. I don't want you to feel bad for me. No sympathy. I just...want you. But I get it. I do. I just hope someone can understand me and know me the way you do.

I just hope I can sing and chill and vibe with someone who will love me back. I can't remain stuck in this endless hole. This endless darkness. Like is it me? Is that the reason people leave? Am I the reason? All I hope is that through it all she'll stick by me.

I really hope and pray she meant it when she said we were forever.