Bria's Confession Session

Confession #10: Update

'I tried but...I don't think so'

'Maybe it was me, who was fucking up'

'I gave all I could give
but...it seems like it never really was enough'

Long time no write. 5 whole months to be exact. How have I been? ...I don't really know. The distractions that I have are becoming...mhhhm how should I put it?  Irrelevant! That's it.

Like I feel so misplaced and trapped. These feelings aren't going anywhere, these hoes aren't keeping me entertained nor are they capturing my attention.

I've gone through 3-4 different girls since October. I'm glad it's texting wise...because I would have been fucking left and right just to distract myself.

But don't get me wrong I've gotten some from like two different girls since then as well.

I've also been smoking and drinking wayyyy more then I was in the summer. It helps. Or harms. Either way for awhile I forget. I forget the enlarging whole in my heart.

Everyone says I'm wrong. Everyone says I need to stop. But if I do, I'll just be in pain again and I'm trying my best to avoid that. That horrible, gut wrenching feeling.

Guys it's tough. Because I love her. To the moon and back. To infinity and beyond. Why? I've told you guys plenty of reasons why. Shall I refresh your memories?

I shall.

She sees the beauty in everything. I'm an observer. I watch people. Her the most. I notice the little things she does, even when she doesn't. I see her. I see her even when nobody else does. I see her even when everyone does.
I see her.

She has such a beautiful soul. And can find the good in you. Never wanting to assume bad. She doesn't judge based on outer appearance. I can definitely say that as a fact.

And the reason why I love her the most...is because she made me feel loved. Unintentionally, I presume.

Those long summer weeks. Those late nights I stayed over. Those late nights that she did. Was the moments I started to fall. Her laugh. Her smile. Her happy. Was the best sight ever.

She reeled me in, unknowingly.

Because she showed me the love no one has before. Meaning, she made time for me. She gave me the attention, I so desperately craved from my guardians. 

She listened to my every word. It's kinda hard not to get attached to the only person who really listened. And let's face it. Seriously. She's not at all ugly. Like foreal foreal.

She kinda set my preference meter. She's beautiful to me. I don't know how she doesn't see what I see but it's the truth. No cap.

But listen to me when I say this. I told her I would do anything for her. And I meant it. I was and am currently putting aside my feelings to be present in her life.

I can't be selfish with her. I love and respect her to much.

So regardless of what I'm feeling...I'm going to stand in the paint for her. Cause she never left me. And right now, I know she needs someone now more then ever.

So the box I'm trapped in, the walls surrounding me, my unsteady and broken heart trying to beat; are swept under the rug. By me.

Maybe the next time I write...I'll be happily in love with someone else. I'll be able to breath again. I'll be able to truly say I'm happy.

But until that day comes...I'll continue to do what makes the pain stop and what I do the best and the most.

Fall. Fall deep in love with the person I can't have.