2015
Sometimes Bucky goes to the market, especially when the sun is out and he can feel fresh air peacefully sliding through the open windows of his small flat. He smoothly touches the fruits with his mental fingers, careful not to press too hard, and tries feeling something.
His hair is long and there are blue and purple shades under his tired eyes, but he attempts to act normal and even smiles at cashiers. Nevertheless, every time he is outside, he almost unconsciously searches for a tall blonde figure who he can't forget about, but can't quite remember either.
Sometimes Bucky is nostalgic; he keeps a scrapbook where he writes down whatever is left of his memories. He copied everything he had read at the Captain America museum, and when he flicks through smudged pages of black ink, he wants to find the missing pieces of himself. He keeps hearing Steve: "your name is James Buchanan Barnes", he says. "I'm with you till the end of the line."
But most of the time Bucky is empty; he can't feel anything besides his shoulder hurting from the metal clenching his flesh. He gets fragments of memories from time to time though, where poisonous blood stains his hands, and he gets scared. And he sees a blonde boy, skinnier and shorter than him, and he knows there was a time he used to be happy.
2016
Sometimes Steve sits on the floor, crumpled sheets of paper covered in random doodles and pencils scattered all around his crossed legs. His apartment is often silent when his heart is too heavy to listen to his old records.
He almost can't bring himself to draw anymore, for the cuts and bruises on his fingers hurt and he loses focus too easily. He thinks about Bucky. And Tony, too, and Natasha, and the friends he left.
Sometimes Steve is appeased; when his brain wanders off, he manages to get lost in safe memories. He remembers how it felt like to play with Bucky when they were kids, spreading out cushions on the floor and wishing on stars. He remembers how it felt like to have found something resembling a shelter among the Avengers.
But most of the time Steve is sad; he sees Bucky's twisted face, the rage consuming his once witty iris. He feels his best friend's knuckles hitting his cheekbones and splitting his lips, he hears the metal arm shivering. Then he sees himself hitting Tony again and again, tearing his armour apart until all sore frenzy withered away.
❝ They found each other in every lifetime,
but nothing is the same anymore. ❞
