I Can't, I Shouldn't | Johnil

...13

"What?" Taeil stared at the younger in shock. He only moved here a couple of weeks ago, so what does Johnny mean he has liked him for a long while now?

"I've liked you for a little over two years now." He stared into Taeil's eyes as he spoke, seeing the worry in the elder's charming globes.

"If I'm being honest with myself, I didn't think it was anything too serious until you moved in next door, then after interacting with you and getting to know you better in the couple of hours together I knew it wasn't just a measly crush." He held onto the shorter male's hand running his thumb up and down the sleek expand of his skin as he looks down at his ministration.

"So.. You already knew me before I came to live here?" Taeil asked, pulling his hand away from Johnny to clasped his hands together against his chest. He felt uneasy and Johnny could tell,

"Yea.. I had already knew you were a lecturer at Sun and Moon the day I re-introduced myself to you." Johnny sighed balling his fist and then looked up at Taeil and the latter looked away.

"W-what do you mean by re-introduce? Have I met you before? H-have we met before?" Taeil stuttered avoiding the taller's eyes.

"Yes we did, but you don't seem to remember me. Why would you? You could barely see my face that one day and then after that I was afraid to approach you again. When I did grow some balls to talk to you I didn't know what I'd say to you and I have never been as puzzled as I was every time I was to advance to you." Johnny frowned until his face soften again looking down on Taeil's legs that were still on his lap, using the tip of his index finger to trace lines on the elders leg as he spoke.

"After the night when I kissed you, I realized why I couldn't approach you before.." Johnny paused, smiling before he continued,

"I wasn't the person I am today Taeil, I was different before I came here... But then you helped me change without knowing it. I think the reason why I couldn't approach you again was because you were the first person I liked again before I became who I am today and I sort of didn't want contact with that... I didn't want to be hurt again." Johnny didn't look up when he stopped speaking, lowly muttering the last part, now making triangles on the elder's thigh.

"What do you mean Johnny?" Taeil asked, now turning his face to look at the psychology student who wasn't looking at him.

"Even though I changed, deep down small fragments of who I was, were still there and anytime I was to approach you... My insecurities came back..."

"Then why were you able to speak to me after I moved here?" Taeil inqueried

"Because I thought that it must be faith that brought you here, the same faith that led you to me the first time I met you. You might think I am joking but I am very much serious. I told myself the day I came back and saw you sleeping on the lounge chair that I'd finally give talking to you a try." He looked up slowing to stare into Taeil's eyes as he attempted to hold the elder's hands again and he succeeded, bringing them down from his chest.

"I know what I am asking for is not ideal in the university, in fact it goes against school rules but.. What am I asking, you're getting married soon and you probably regretted what happened last night.. Are you even into men? I just--" Taeil smiled at the latter as he started to unnecessarily panic, diverting his eyes away from the elder's, now holding onto Johnny's hands as he softly spoke to him.

"Listen, I've already broken the rules if we're being practical here... And you don't have to worry about me getting married... nor my sexuality. I have never referred to myself as being straight because it didn't matter to me, love is love no matter one's sexual orientation. And about last night..." there was a delay in his speech before he proceeded, using his fingers to bring Johnny's face back around so he is looking at him directly. Taeil knew last night was a selfish act of trying to mask his pain and nothing else but he refuses to hurt the latter's feelings in a vulnerable time like this, plus he didn't actually regret it but he wasn't pleased on how and why it happened.

"I don't regret it... What I do regret though is taking advantage of you. I didn't know you had feelings for me but I still shouldn't have done it and for that I'm really sorry Johnny." The taller could see the remorse written all over his face. One thing Johnny didn't want happening again was being taken advantage of, maybe that's why he avoided the elder but why doesn't he feel hurt?

Johnny calm down just gazing into the elder's eyes, and he realized, he really didn't care that Taeil used him, in fact he wouldn't mind being use again if it meant making Taeil happy for that one moment. And he realized right there and then that he didn't like him... he loved him. With a firm hold to shorter's hand and hopeful eyes he asks,

"You're not getting married?" Taeil chuckle, because out of everything else he said that's what caught Johnny's attention.

"Not anymore." He replied with a sigh.

"I don't know what happened and when you are ready you can tell me if you want. I know you still have feelings for her and it won't just dissolve overnight, and I'll wait two more years if I have too but can you think about giving us a try? I'm willing to take a risk if you are." The younger male asked desperately, waiting for a reply from Taeil.

The both of them had accomplished something in there lifes, and those were allowing something to happen that they have avoided out of not wanting to be hurt again. Were they happy with the outcome? Maybe, maybe not. But where will this lead them?

Taeil thought for a moment for he replied, "...I'll think about it." Not the answer Johnny wanted, but it was close enough. At least he gave him what he asked for. The elder really didn't want to give the younger any false hope, but deep down Taeil knew he he wouldn't be disappointed.

"I'll wait for you.." Johnny said with a soft smile, raising Taeil's hand up to place a kiss on it before he whispered against it, blowing warm breathe on the milky skin sending shivers down the elder's spin,

.

.

.

.

"I don't care how long, because I have faith. So I'll wait."

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Hope I haven't lost anyone in the plot or confused anyone... I'll have to edit this in the future because of some minor mistakes i realised i made when i was rereading to see how things are transitioning.

*Chapter not proofread*