She Will Be Loved (GirlxGirl)

17. Ellen VI

"I told you it'd be nicer once you're out of the house!" Zach's voice was brimming with content. He had been trying to make me feel better since the whole Macy thing happened this morning. It would be wrong to not play along with his plan. After all, he was my friend and all he wanted was for me to recover.

I nodded and flashed a smile just to show him that his advice had worked. But, in reality, it was the exact opposite. Everything about the diner reminded me of Macy.

From the booth where we shared our first plate of food to the hot coffee that was being served, everything had a touch of Macy in it. Yet, I needed to play this false pretence so that Zach didn't feel bad.

Zach was on his five minute break and he tried to make small talk with me. But I just answered his questions with a nod or a shake of the head, sometimes even going as far as letting out a 'hmm'.

Soon after his break was over, Zach went back to his position at the bar, leaving me with the other waitresses. I was relieved that now I wouldn't have to pretend that I had moved on from being sad, from thinking about Macy all the time. It wasn't true at all and it felt bad lying to Zach's face.

Actually, I wished Rhonda was here. I didn't inform her about what had happened because I didn't want to bother her. But I knew she would have been able to help me. Besides, it was better to have this conversation in person, rather than on phone. So, I would have to wait for tomorrow morning.

After a while, the diner was bustling with people and I couldn't just stand mindlessly at the counter. I had to greet the customers with a big smile, take orders, and remember to bring the exact food that the tables had ordered.

Since I had been doing this for almost a year, I had no trouble and did not need to put any extra effort that I wouldn't put any other night. I was now engrossed in work, and maybe, Zach's advice was proving to be actually effective.

However, this wasn't the scenario today afternoon when all I felt was dejection and had made up my mind to not come to work tonight. I wasn't sure if I would have been able to function properly in a social setting but the thought of staying home alone with just my thoughts was also dreadful.

So, when Zach had asked me to come to work, I had almost jumped at the proposition. I was thankful that I could use Zach's advice as an excuse so as not to stay alone. I did not want to accept to myself that I wasn't that mentally strong. Not yet.

The terrible events of today morning had left me with two things -- a bad headache, which refused to go away no matter how many pills I gulped down, and Macy's text, which I still hadn't replied to.

What was I supposed to say? That, it's okay? That, I understand?

But what was there to understand? Macy was engaged and had decided to hide that fact from me. It was, after all, her choice to reveal as much information about her as she wanted. No more, no less.

Knowing that information about her made me feel as if I had invaded her privacy. It all felt wrong. My anger felt wrong. I had no reason to justify feeling this hurt when all Macy and I had was a friendship. And even that relationship was not that deep.

So, why did I blame her when it was all my fault? Why did I corner her when I had no right? However huge my crush on her might it be, it wasn't enough to justify my behaviour. But then again, Macy must had anticipated my reactions, because she was the one who had messaged me sorry.

The message that you chose not to reply to.

It felt weird thinking how Macy must had understood me enough to send that text and what she got as the answer was only silence.